MM T 2771. Sketchbook

Sketchbook containing literary drafts.

MM T 2771, fol. 00-R

MM T 2771, fol. 00-Ri

MM T 2771, fol. 01r

To be perused by
understanding people after
my death

    Sept. 1932

MM T 2771, fol. 02r

    Saint Cloud 5/2 90

    Papa the secretion I am spitting up is so dark –
Is it really my son –
He fetched a candle and examined it –
He could see that he concealed something –

    The next time he spit onto the sheet and he
saw that is was blood –
It is blood papa –
He patted me on the head – do not
be afraid my son –

    So he was going to die from consumption – he
had heard enough to know that if you
spit blood then you would get consumption

    I go up to you – his heart pounded –
He snuggled up to his father as though to
seek protection –

    Do not be afraid son the father repeated
Weeping could be heard in his voice –

MM T 2771, fol. 02v

    When someone spits blood they get
consumption said Karl  – He coughed again
and more blood came –

    Turn to the Lord my son
Then his father laid his hand on his
head – I shall bless
you my son –

    May the Lord bless thee – May the Lord lift up
his Countenance upon thee – May the Lord grant
thee peace –

    The remainder of the day he had to lie quietly –
refrain from speaking –

    He stared quietly into space – He
knew that one could live for several years with
consumption – but he could no
longer run in the street – play Einar
Tambarskjælve with Thoralf  –

    Towards evening his fever rose
– and more coughing –

    Then a mouthful of blood filled
his mouth – he spit into his handkerchief
– which then turned dark red – he held

MM T 2771, fol. 03r

it in front of him and examined it – look here
and showed it to his sister –

    She ran out in horror and fetched
their aunt –

    There was even more – and the doctor
was summoned –

    He prescribed ice – “do not be afraid
my son”.

    Yet he was terribly afraid

    He could feel the blood roiling in his breast
– when he breathed – It felt as though
his entire chest has come loose – and as though
all of his blood would spurt out of
his mouth –

    Jesus Christ Jesus Christ
He folded his hands –

    Papa I am dying – I cannot die –
I am afraid – Jesus – Christ –

    Do not strain your voice my son – I will
pray with you –

    And he folded his hands upon the bed and prayed –
Lord come to his aid if it is your will –
do not let him die – I beseech you Oh Lord –

    We come to you now in our hour of need

MM T 2771, fol. 03v

    He was interrupted by a new fit of coughing –
– a new handkerchief – the blood
discoloured nearly half the handkerchief –

    Jesus help me I am dying – I must not die now
Berta  lay stretched out on the bed
next to his and prayed out loud while weeping
and around the bed all of the others
some red in the face from
weeping others white –

    Outside bells chimed
They were ringing in Christmas –

    In the other room
stood the decorated Christmas tree – so joyous
and – sad –

    Jesus help me –

    Do you think I will go
to heaven if I die –

    I do my son – if you believe
Do you believe in god the father god’s son
and the holy ghost –

MM T 2771, fol. 04r

    Yes he answered yet he was
not quite sure if he did
He had thought there was much
that was mysterious in the bible – which he
had doubted at times –

    Terror gripped him – He would now
in a few minutes time stand before
god’s judgement – he would be renounced
for all eternity for all eternity – he would burn
in brimstone for all eternity – in hell –

    Outside in the yard a dog was
howling –

    He heard a woman’s voice in the kitchen –
how is he doing –

    my son is also ill
it will be either him or my son
– can you hear how the dog is barking –
it is not a good sign –

    Do you want the priest to pray
for you in church –

    Yes he whispered.

MM T 2771, fol. 04v

He read from the redeemer
Those who do not believe shall be damned
but those who believe shall be saved –
You will be saved my son
when you have faith
Come unto me you who
suffer and are burdened – How tenderly he
summons you – go to him

    Had he believed absolutely – but
there was doubt
If only he had time – if only a
day – so that he could prepare himself –
but he would die now –
He could feel how
his chest was churning –
They are praying for you now said his
father –

    He could hear bells ringing outside –
He saw the great church and
he imagined he heard the priest
pronounce his name –

MM T 2771, fol. 05r

    By merely breathing now his mouth became
filled with blood – his aunt held
the handkerchief to his mouth – and
quickly concealed it –

    Now and then the blood spilled onto
the sheets –

    He lay whispering Jesus – Jesus – I
am afraid to die not now –

    They all prayed – with hands folded
some on their knees – one heard whispering
throughout the entire room Jesus Jesus –

    If the Lord
spared you from dying now –
if he granted you to live on for a
few years – would you promise then
to love him and live
according to his commandments –

    Yes yes, don’t let me die now
How willingly he would endure consumption
if only he would not die
now –

MM T 2771, fol. 05v

    The doctor knelt before the bed
and with folded hands raised
he prayed – with a voice incoherent from
weeping.

    Oh lord I beseech you – I compel
you to spare him from death
today he is not prepared –
I beseech you to have mercy on
us allow him to live – He will
always serve you he has promised me this.
He held his folded hands in the air
I beg you lord, I compel you
to do this – For the Blood of Jesus Christ’s
sake make him well

MM T 2771, fol. 06r

    He had to take spoonfuls of salt –
and suck on pieces of ice.

    Shards of ice wrapped in Cloth were placed
on his chest –

    It no longer churned so vigorously
in his chest – he became drowsy –

    He heard the muffled footsteps of someone
walking on tiptoe – he saw a
bowed hazy figure bending over him
– he heard whispering voices –
“He is sleeping soundly” he heard the doctor
whisper – Imagine if he recovers –
He felt him bending over him
– His breathing is more tranquil – God be
praised –

    He saw the lamp on the table – his
aunt in a night jacket some greenish medicine
bottles – with red labels –    
Above him he saw the doctor’s smiling
face – You have slept for a long time –

MM T 2771, fol. 06v

    The grey sheen of daylight fell into
the sickroom –

    He lay in the middle of the bed with his hands
resting on the eiderdown – staring into space –

    He now had a pact with god
– he had promised to serve him –
If he was cured – did not come down with consumption
– he could never again have fun as in
the past –

    He watched his brother who ran
about with Petra  and Marie 

    Why shouldn’t he be able to
have fun like them – was he any worse
than them –

    It was a thought that came from
the devil – he folded his hands and prayed
for forgiveness –

MM T 2771, fol. 07r

    Saint Cloud 5/3 90

    We sat around the table –
there was a clatter of forks and knives against the plates
words were exchanged now and
then –

    Auntie inquired if I had
brought along enough socks –
advised me to wear two shirts on
the steamship –

    Do be sure now to take care in Paris –
– said father – he sat bowed over his plate
– with his back to the window –
the light was reflected on the
bare head and the nearly white hair –
You know the climate is damp
– so that you could easily get arthritis –

    You must write often said Auntie

MM T 2771, fol. 07v

    Take Camphor drops when you have
a cold said my father – I have
packed them in pillboxes for you –
and we continued to eat in silence

    – I looked at my father he
was old now – so curved in the back –
8 months was a long time to be
away. –

    I shook everyone’s hands
– We were a little self-conscious –
I was reluctant to show excessive
emotion –

    My father was out in the entrance hall –
I held out my hand to him –
Adieu – Adieu – My aunt
stood in the doorway – and
called out to me that I must
be careful –

MM T 2771, fol. 08r

    My brother and sister – and a number of
comrades stood
Down by the docks – I
learned that the boat would not
depart for another 3 hours –
Løchen   and I wandered up
Karl Johan  – We met
Drefsen   and his wife – They invited me
to drink coffee with them –
No I said [I] should go home to
my family – aren’t I
a decent fellow –

    she laughed – yes let me see
you do it –

    I felt a little embarrassed as
I once again climbed the stairs
– they will find it touching that
I walked the long distance in order
to be with them – a
half hour’s time –

    I had no place
to go I said – so I just as

MM T 2771, fol. 08v

well came home –

    My father sat writing at
his escritoire – half-turned toward
me he peered over his glasses –

    Stay at home – I have heard
there will be bad weather –
It is out of the question I said
could not bear to stay one more day
here in town –

    Very well he said and
continued to work –

    My aunt had found
yet another thing that I
should take with me –

    Adieu I must leave
again –

    I went over to father and held
out my hand in farewell – Adieu then he said

MM T 2771, fol. 09r

and gave me his hand –
We should have accompanied you
down there – but I do not have the time –
Oh that is not necessary –
I would have wished that he
had done it anyway –

    Down by the steamboat
the deck was full of my
comrades – and Wåge 
Stang  and Horneman  were
already drunk – they had brought bottles
along –

    I walked about
inspecting the scene – this ship
was already a bit of Europe –
it would lead me over to
the promised land –

    Stang and Horneman would accompany

MM T 2771, fol. 09v

me to Kristiansand –

    Løchen  walked about
smiling incessantly – and finished every
sentence with by the way we are going
to Paris –

    There is your father said
Stang  suddenly – I looked up –
There he was
in between some bales –
He had put on his best attire

    I became strangely moved at
the sight of him –

    I went over to him

    It is a handsome ship – indeed –
You are not departing just yet – Come home with me –
no I cannot do that now – my friends –
Adieu then

MM T 2771, fol. 15r

    He walked up Karl Johan 
in the dusk – a gentle mild
Winter evening – 2 days had passed
since he had
been together with [her] – he would
meet her on Sunday – that was the
day after tomorrow –
He was full of
longing for her –
the day after tomorrow
was so far away – He observed
the yellow air behind the palace 
– dark figures walked past him –

    Dusk’s gentle melancholy –
aroused in him an overpowering longing for
her
He felt someone slide up to him

    And there she was beside

MM T 2771, fol. 15v

him wrapped in
her fur coat – which gave her
a more lady-like appearance than usual
– he felt
her arm against his – she was
slightly cool –

    It travelled through his blood
like electricity– a current of pleasure he had
not felt before – so that he
could hardly utter a word
a lassitude in his limbs – in his cheeks

    He was so happy to merely
walk by her side
without saying anything

    They walked to the very bottom of Karl Johan 
Now you must leave for there comes
someone I know – she said suddenly

    Adieu then he said and turned away
He was sorry to leave her now but he was going to see
her
tomorrow

    And he drifted about
while the light diminished more and more –
filled with the one he had just parted with –
This chance meeting

MM T 2771, fol. 16r

    But a thought suddenly occurred to him –
that horrified him – was it intended
that he should take leave of her – had he
perhaps heard incorrectly –

    But tomorrow he would meet
her –

    She was not there –
How sad and deserted the street
appeared – slush from the snow and rain – the snow
fell on the roofs – and dripped monotonously
from the drainpipes –
All the garments were so dark
in this weather – The buildings stood there peering
with their rows of dark windows –
There was a funeral day pall
over everything – He had sensed it
– was there something true about fates –
He had arrived 2 minutes
late – apparently – but she was not
normally very preoccupied with time

MM T 2771, fol. 16v

He worked eagerly on a painting –
she had once asked him
for one – this one would be for her
– and time had passed so quickly –
– when he looked at the clock
– the time was nearly two thirty – and
he was supposed to meet her at two thirty –

    He practically ran the whole way – when
he was near
the exhibition it was 2 minutes past –

    The large building
appeared so dismal – he
felt that she was not there –
he was sure of it as he
climbed the staircase –
When he did not
find her in any of the rooms –
such a weight settled over
him as he walked to and
fro in the large empty rooms – a desolate feeling

MM T 2771, fol. 17r

a feeling of dread – he heard the echo of
his own footsteps in the empty rooms –

    – Something had
forced him of late to
do the opposite of what he wished –
when she
had sidled up to
him up here one day and whispered to
him – Asking nicely shall I come –
he had seen then in her calm taciturn
mien that it was serious –

    Why had he not beseeched – implored
– what devil had made him
refrain from doing so – he had
been annoyed by her frigid tone – and
said – of course
I want you to come –

    And then the last time – when he had apparently
heard incorrectly – he was sure of it now –
and then finally today – arrived a little late

MM T 2771, fol. 17v

    He had been so aloof
he had been so certain of her
lately – far too certain –
he had not appreciated her –

    – Tomorrow he would receive a letter from
her – she would arrange a new rendezvous –

    He lay waiting at daybreak – he
listened for the sound of the bell –

    It rang – nothing for him
She really did not write to him –

    But he had hope
for Sunday – she would be at
the exhibition then –

MM T 2771, fol. 18v

Intermezzo

    He sat with his arm around her
waist – her head was so close
to him – it was so extraordinary
to have her eyes her mouth
her breast so close into him –

    He looked at each eyelash – looked
at the shades of green in her eye –
it had the transparency of the sea – the pupil
was large in the semi-dark –

    He touched her mouth with
his finger – the soft flesh
of her lips gave way under his touch –
and the lips extended into a smile –
as he sensed the large blue grey
eyes gazing at
him –

MM T 2771, fol. 19r

    He examined her brooch
that glittered  …  red lights –
he touched it with
his trembling fingers
And he leaned his head against
her breast – he felt the blood flowing
in her veins – he listened to her
heartbeat – He buried his face in her lap
(She burrowed her
head down on him – and) he felt
two burning lips against his
neck – it caused a shiver to run
through his body – a freezing desire
– So that he pressed
her to him in a convulsion of desire.

MM T 2771, fol. 19v

    He stood at the garden fence – there were two
gates – should he go in through the closest one
or the one over there – it was unpleasant to have to go
in he thought – He chose the closest
gate so he would not have to walk
past the windows – he walked the length of the house
in toward the courtyard – he walked up onto
the balcony – tramped noisily
on the deck – he saw someone
rise inside the other room near
the window – his heart pounded –
she came toward him offered him
a half-naked arm –

    You came in the back way she said – laughing –
Come in to the sitting room – and I will
show you my souvenirs –

    There you can see some paintings – poor aren’t they

MM T 2771, fol. 20r

    I see that you have been writing letters – Am I
interrupting – He happened to peer
– down at some papers

    She hurried to grasp the letter –
Oh it is only the man of letters Bentsen 
– Bentsen?

    He looked at her – how indifferent
it sounded – and it was not so many
months ago he had heard
that they were fond of one another –

    – It is only about business – he
wants me to write something for a magazine –

    I have known him since we were children you see –
a childhood friend –

    Yes Bentsen I like him well enough – but
He is brutal said – Brandt  – indeed
he is

    I become so quickly bored with people she said
then – she stood by the window – her abdomen against
the table – she held both hands wrapped
around her waist –
The belt was an old piece of handiwork it
hung down over her abdomen – Look here she said
all my souvenirs – the watch chain – this
coin was given to me by Bentzen – This I
got from the composer Lassen  – Isn’t it
festive – they both examined it – their
hands grazed each other –

MM T 2771, fol. 20v

    Isn’t it charming this
summer hat – she stood before the mirror –
it was given to me by the painter Kristiansen  –
the man who had introduced Brandt  to
her – that day at the art exhibition –

    Brandt gazed at her admiringly – The white
colour accentuated her pale skin –

    There is another one here – she hurried out
into the hall – a jockey hat – she placed
both hands on her hips – and looked at him –

    Brandt did not like her now – she looks
like a whore with that cap he thought – with
the bangs down over her eyes – Yes – it is nice he said

    She slung the hat down at once –
and took the other – Come
we will visit Pryds  today – a lovely walk –
Would you like some wine –

    They sat opposite one another at a small table by
the window – glasses and carafe between them –

    Cheers – You will visit me often, won’t you?

    Yes thank-you –
She had a white scarf slung over her shoulders
– she pulled it up over her mouth leaned forward across the table –
Brandt felt her gaze – he had to look at her yes
her gaze rested calmly – on him – large dark green
in huge eyelids – he cast his gaze down – then he had to look once more

MM T 2771, fol. 21r

What do you think shall we watch the wedding –
no –

    It would be fun to see her
– she will be pretty – I
can just see her terribly grave
– pale –

    But if they saw us – she would think it
was unpleasant –

    Let us just walk up the hill – we do not
have to decide

    We wandered about the neighbourhood
where she lived – We encountered one
calash after the other –
we heard how
the horses gnawed on their bridles and whinnied –
and the rocking sound of
wheels on springs –

    It is sad that she is leaving –

    Yes terribly sad –

    Why the hell should she marry

MM T 2771, fol. 21v

a nicer girl doesn’t exist –
and that good man

    We were near the church –
a good number of curious onlookers – gazed
at those emerging from the carriages

    There she is – we saw a
pale lady emerge – it
had to be her

    We enter –

    Wait until everyone is inside –

    We slipped in – opened
the door that slid noiselessly to behind
us –
we heard
the priest’s
echoing voice from the altar

    We walked on tiptoe and with
hat in hand over to a
dark corner behind a pillar

MM T 2771, fol. 22r

    There they were both of them kneeling
by the altar – she in her black dress
which he knew so well – a sunbeam
fell on the blond hair –
They were the same height –

    The pale fellow behind the pillar
asked himself whether he should
have been there by her side
He thought about everything they had
spoken of together – during the previous
days – When she had placed
his photograph – to her breast –
under her dress – that time in the bodega –
when she had come to him –
out at Ljan  – and they had sat
together on the balcony

    The sun shone and the water was blue
and gleaming – sparkling in the sunlight
And a breeze from the south brushed her

MM T 2771, fol. 22v

yellow hair forward into her eyes –
There was a slightly weary expression in
her eyes – We kept silent –

    She knew that on that day he
would be meeting the other one – And he
knew that her bridegroom
would come to fetch her take
her far away –

    She had never been so
beautiful –

    They had to walk in to town
because his girl would arrive
in an hour to their meeting place

    – It is nasty of you
to leave – the one time that I
am out here – I wanted to be here
all day long – Her voice was
weak and nervous –

    You know what I owe
her he said You know I

MM T 2771, fol. 23r

cannot deceive her –

    They decided to walk to town
in order to be together as
long as possible
They entered the little green
café by Bækkelaget Station  –
they sat pressed closely together –

    The proprietor stood nearby red in
and  …  – and smiled at the young lady

    He thinks we are married she said
– laughing – we must address each other informally – and

    Let us have beer she said –
Our hands met continually
– each time we picked up our glasses –

    We had to leave – she
became tired –
I left in order to get hold of
a carriage –

MM T 2771, fol. 23v

walked up to a station close by


When he walked down the hill
[she] stood against the fence back turned
to him – with bowed head –
She stood motionless
pensive, when he was
alongside of her and he
addressed her she looked up –
with a distracted expression as though preoccupied
with her thoughts – and
there were tears in her eyes –

    She had never
been more beautiful – as when she stood there
pale and melancholy – with a look of despair
in her gaze –

    We gazed at one another for a while – without
saying anything – He had in this moment
a feeling that

MM T 2771, fol. 24r

his greatest happiness in life
was now slipping away from him –
The tears welled up in his eyes –
he turned his head aside –

    Come the horse is waiting he said –
his voice quivered

    There they sat side by side
They froze a little –

    Miss Nørregård  he said – perhaps –
 …  later – perhaps we can meet
each other then – and it will be different

– One must not be frivolous
she said – if I marry then I will devote my life
to my husband.

    – After some time she took up a
little gold cross that hung at her breast –

    I have worn this since I was little
would You like to have this –

MM T 2771, fol. 24v

It was over

    She walked slowly up the isle –
eyes half closed – like a
sleepwalker – Her face
was nearly white – the beauty
of a madonna image –

    The sun cut diagonally in
through a window high up –
a blue-white swathe of dust –

    She entered into the swathe of dust –
The sunlight shimmered
in her yellow hair – It looked like
the halo that encircles a saint –

    What were her thoughts
as she walked there – with the
gait of a hypnotic – glided across
the church floor like an apparition –

    When she nearly
inaudibly answered yes to the priest’s
do you love this bachelor – had
the image of the other one come to mind? – then – ?
behind the pillar – loved him too –

    Let us go they are walking down the isle we do
not want to be seen

MM T 2771, fol. 25r

    I wish to ask You about something
– if it had not been the case
with the one You spoke of – had You – then
– do you think – loved me

    Yes – I believe so –

    She said nothing for a while
Then she said – I am sometimes
very maddened by her – Ugh how maddening –
and she clenched her teeth and glared
straight ahead of her –

    I had lain at night
pondering everything I could have said
– that I never got to say when I
was together with her – I
would have told her how beautiful she was
– that I loved her – I believed that I loved
her – that I longed terribly for her –
that I was so lonely – had to have someone

MM T 2771, fol. 25v

to love – I could not bear it
any longer – it was torture – there
was an invisible barrier between us
when we were together – my arm was
paralysed so that when I understood the moment to
act had arrived
– when she was warm – and I understood
she was willing – then I became indifferent –
I could not manage to seize [the moment]–

    We had been strolling about
the streets barely speaking
to each other –

    Let us go down to the bodega
We each sat on a cask and
each had a glass in front of us – without speaking

MM T 2771, fol. 26r

I wondered if the moment had now
arrived – I sat there weary and
passive – but I knew – when night
came – I would lie there torturing myself
because I had not spoken –

    Tonelessly I then said – Will You
– Miss Carlsen  – hold my
hand – I am so lonely – I felt
my voice
was unfeeling

    No she said – not here
I thought she was harsh – it was
so little what I asked for– and I was
so unhappy –

    Let us go I said after a while
We drifted up Youngsgaden 
You know she said – I like you very much
– but I think it is more as a friend –
Friendship is so little I said –
One’s life is so short – if we
attempted to learn to know one another better –
perhaps love would follow – I

MM T 2771, fol. 26v

    As for me I feel very young she said
I view life with different eyes than
You – I look at it brightly –

    I have no desire to sacrifice myself – You
see – I am too young and unspoiled for You
– you are limp – weary of life – no –

    I thought she was harsh –
yet I found it so impossible –
the things she said – how youthful it was
that smile of hers – and how those eyes
looked out at the world – full of contentment

    But she could not be someone
for me how had I ever thought
that –

    I had at least made an attempt –
It was a cool farewell we took
that evening – It was windy – the gas lights
fluttered – in the blue black air –

MM T 2771, fol. 27r

    I walked along looking at our two
shadows – when [we] walked away from the gas lamp
they grew swiftly – until
they disappeared in the dark –

    We had conversed about the events of the day
– She was overwrought – and nervous –
We had arrived at her
gate – You know, she said – I do
not – not – want to kiss You –
– It came so unexpectedly – I
looked at her – I wonder why
she said it –

    Adieu she said as she hastened
to enter through the portal – where she remained
standing in the semi-darkness –
Pale and smiling self-consciously
– I felt as though she was waiting for

    Me to follow her –
A dreadful paralysis overwhelmed me
– It had become impossible for me now – I
lifted my hat and said adieu –

MM T 2771, fol. 27v

    Oh how amusing that I
ran into to You – munk  – I have been
thinking a great deal about You –

    She looked me in the eyes –
 …  her blond hair hanging forward in her face
Her skin so pale and delicate – she
smiled with her pale matt lips –
with white teeth behind them

    What have you been painting now munk 

    It was ages ago since we were at
Bazarhallen  shall we not have a little
fun down there again – Oh yes –
let us do that –

    I am really terrible – she
said – to carouse with you like that –
I will completely spoil my reputation –
We walked bumping against one another –
She had become red in the cheeks –
Her eyes sparkled –

    I simply cannot manage without you

MM T 2771, fol. 28r

– she said suddenly –
We suit each other – don’t you think
– You are so odd munk 

    In the evening I wondered why
I had suddenly felt
so clammy and indifferent –

    And I now saw her before me as she
uttered it – tall and blond – and smiling with
her pale matt lips – and I whispered
in the dark – how exquisite you are –
I love
you – only you – Why are you
not here so that I can tell you –

    I pressed the pillow
to my cheek – I felt
the dry coolness of the sheet against my
skin

MM T 2771, fol. 29r

    Good day – Good day –

    How nice it is to see You

    – Where have you been for so
long –

    I have been ill –

    I see – are you better now –

    Yes now I am well –


Galoshes tramped in the slush–
It was dripping from the roofs –

    There was a smell of damp
steaming fabric –

    They did not speak – they sniffled the two
of them – first one of them then the other –
Well, he said –, after all, what is the
meaning of all this –
What – She sniffled  … 
Oh You know very well –

    No what then –
She greeted someone driving by

MM T 2771, fol. 29v

who was that he asked
Do not ask she said irritably      Who was it
Cashier Antvordt 
More sniffling and splashing galoshes –

    What was it you were about
to say –

    Oh it was nothing –

    Tell me – If you do not say it
I will leave immediately –

    Very well it was – that – about –
It was that fellow – that
lieutenant – He clenched his teeth

    Oh lieutenant Lund ?

    He did not reply

    Was it so terrible [of me] to go with
him –

    He refrained from replying –

    Well you did not come – the last time
at the exhibition –

    Oh yes I was there with lieutenant
Lund –

    So she had in fact
been together with him –

    You had perhaps not

MM T 2771, fol. 30r

arranged a rendezvous with him
– that time at the Art Association  –
he retorted harshly –

    Do not be angry she said and
pulled out her handkerchief –
You have no idea how painful it is
for me –

    They did not speak –

    They were at the corner of Dronningens
street  – There they suddenly met her husband –
They walked together in silence all three of them –

    The three of them sniffled
alternately – He thought it
was nauseating to walk there together
with her husband –

    They paused by the streetcar –
Heiberg  and his Wife were headed up Pilestredet  –

    – Heiberg held out his hand –
A delicate white hand – he offered
him his blue and frozen hand –

    Madame Heiberg  –
as she shook his hand

MM T 2771, fol. 30v

All of the others then he said brutally
what others –
Oh – I can
– name a few –

    Stang  for instance –
The actor Hambro  –

    and the man of letters Klausen  –

    Oh Klausen –

    him too –

    She did not contradict him –
but lowered her gaze like a
martyr –

    Had he gone too far

---

    Good day – Her husband was right beside
him – Had he walked behind them and
listened –
How disgusting
to walk together with her husband – They walked for a very
long time without saying anything only the splashing of galoshes
and sniffling –

    Madame Heiberg  laughed – how we are sniffling the
three of us

MM T 2771, fol. 31r

    There is Madame Heiberg  says Brandt 
– and retreated into the shade – she
was beautiful –
And she is beautiful –

    A pity for the husband – poor bloke – how she
deceives him –
– she is soon finished with the
lieutenant  no doubt as well – one can see
her flirting with Consul D  now
– Yes by george how many she is tremendous –

    That story about the kitty
was excellent – it was typical of her –

    You haven’t heard it –

MM T 2771, fol. 31v

    Her husband had refused some of her
friends to come to the house – she was tremendously angry –

    A great scene –

    the following day he had wanted to invite
some friends to dinner – some
foreigners he had know from earlier
days – he wished to show them the house
and his wife – She did not wish to
have any visitors – said no –

    He invited them just the same – and
asked her to prepare something
particularly appealing –

    The friends arrive sit down at the table –
no madame, no food –

    Furious he goes down to her
and shouts and lays hands on her –
She promises to prepare something
after 3 quarters of an hour
she places a tureen on the table
says if you please and leaves –

    The husband takes the lid off
– a little black kitten sticks it
head up – No other food was forthcoming
Her husband had to go out with his friends and
eat dinner at a restaurant

MM T 2771, fol. 32r

    A sea of light that dazzles the eyes
he saw the intense green on a
billiard table – with a few hazy
gentlemen in top hats around it –
Then he discovered all the cocottes
who were sitting at the tables –
some alone – others together
with gentlemen –

    They watched them as they
stood there
and looked for seats –

MM T 2771, fol. 33r

    The sun was warm – On
the lawns of that delicate green –
children played in bright outfits –
The shadows fell elongated and
softly on the gravelled paths
and across the grass –

    On the closest bench – sat two
prelates in their large black
capes and their broad-brimmed hats – which
shaded half their faces
from the sun –

    One of them was old and
quite stout – the double-chinned face
was dark red – The other young
with dark rings around the eyes – The cheek
white as though from sitting excessively indoors – yet
there was a nascent obesity in the cheeks

MM T 2771, fol. 33v

    Along the pool’s iron railing
on the other side of the road – a group
approached – young people – two gentlemen

– and two ladies
It was intermission – the gentlemen
with top hats pushed back on their heads and flowers
in their buttonholes – women’s apparel
hung on their arms –

    Their laughter mixed with
the splashing of the fountain water in the pool

    They walked arm in arm –
Then they discovered the prelates
and their gaiety got the upper hand –

    Suddenly when they were directly beside
them – one of the ladies kicked
into the air – with a little lascivious laugh – A little lacquered
shoe shone in the sun at the height of
her head –

    One could see a leg and white underclothing

MM T 2771, fol. 34r

    The prelates sit motionless like
monuments in their black capes
which fall in even pleats
and rest on the gravel –
– Then the elder of them turned to
the younger and uttered something –

    The eyes of the
young one flashed
under the broad hat –
Was it holy wrath or
was it sin that was
lurking – The round cheek
was white as marble –

    Over there they walked arm in arm – in arm –
one of the cocottes dashed over
to the other and whispered in her
ear – then the gentlemen dashed at them and split
them up – Now one of the gentlemen had
two ladies [one] under each arm – Then

MM T 2771, fol. 34v

two by two they climbed the
sun striped rise under the trees
that was coloured in a delicate green –
There was youth in their gait there
was laughter in their shoulders

    The old prelate stared
and drew in the gravel with his
thick cane –

    The young one folded his hands around his
yellow parchment book above
his knees – And followed with his eyes
the group as it disappeared between the tree trunks

MM T 2771, fol. 35r

up – still resting upon
him from above the scarf – she did not
even blink –

    How well they suit You Your
bangs she said – You had long hair once –
– do you recognise me from before then he said –
yes I have noticed You many
times – I thought You resembled
Christ –

    The eyes were there again above the scarf
But You should wear your bangs a little more
downward – Wait a second – she stood up –
I will fetch a comb –

    He must bow his head towards her
and she would comb him no –
he did not wish to –
There was Madame Peters – how fortunate
Ugh said Madame Heiberg  – there is
Madame Peters – she is so boring
I’m leaving said Brandt 
Very well – but come back soon

MM T 2771, fol. 36r

    Saint Cloud 3/4 90

    We sat at the table in the little booth
– Goldstein  talked of his trip to Paris
visiting the count –

    He had entered gotten the impression
of something weightily elegant – then some
shining furs and blankets in a corner
– he discovered a little foot – a little
gilt slipper – a stocking in a decadent colour
– then a female figure emerged
against the blankets – reclining on
a setee –

    A beautiful woman

    whereupon the count had entered –
reciting his things – declaiming his
verses –

    asked Goldstein for his explicit
opinion – Goldstein had a

MM T 2771, fol. 36v

    We sat making fun of the count –
a bit drowsily over coffee – Margarete 
tried to capture my attention but I was
indifferent – I would show them

    We were together with Holmboe 
and his wife, talking about Krohn 

    Don’t you know where Madame Heiberg 
is now he said have you no
idea –

    No far from it
I never ask

    That is because you are not terribly self-
assured

    No I could reveal myself by my voice
[I] can in fact assure you – it is
over with

    You don’t say comes the response and smile

MM T 2771, fol. 37r

    (She had deteriorated to such a degree

    I will tell you anyway –
He looked at me – then it came
slowly –

    Madame Heiberg  has left for Vienna
has become a singer of Chansonettes – left with
a lieutenant  who sings
with her      It is a lieutenant
– lieutenant? –

    It is lieutenant Barth –
Yes lieutenant Barth –
Her family will no longer have
anything to do with her after the Divorce

    I laughed
Is it possible – she is a
singer of Chansonettes –
It is not possible –

    You are taking it rather calmly – now
I was thinking of myself

    A singer of Chansonettes?
Lieutenant Barth poor bloke I
said – one always pities one’s fellow suitors

MM T 2771, fol. 37v

I said and smiled

    You see I am taking it calmly I said
and stood up – I sighed deeply
Drink up I am tired of
being here – let us leave
– I could not bear to be indoors any longer

    We sat at the balustrade and looked
out over Paris – the sun shone
on the white buildings–

    In my mind’s eye
images rolled by – I saw her
in her bébé hat and her light
thin summer dress – with bowed
head so that her entire neck was visible –
in the wood between the tree trunks –

MM T 2771, fol. 38r

    I imagined her
as a singer –
amidst the thick tobacco smoke
and all the top hats –

    With all the gestures
I knew so well – when
she smiled over one of her
shoulders – with her sensual smile –
peering with her narrowed eyes down
at the gentlemen – Rocking her hips

    Or with her hands folded over
her abdomen

    And I heard her voice –
at times deep and at times titillating –
subtle – caressing –

    And now offers her body
for money for 10 Kroner –

MM T 2771, fol. 38v

    Other images appeared

    We walked into the park
– the grass was light green –
sun-striped –

Parasol –

How delightful it was
The entire

MM T 2771, fol. 40r

    Is Miss Steineger  at home
– Yes come in – he showed
Brandt  into the parlour
there she sat with the little Miss
Berg  –

    Brandt gazed at Miss Steineger –
She looked radiant – her cheeks
red and a glow in her eyes –

    I hear you are departing – your mother
is ill

    Yes she said
she is ill – she is dying –
Oh it is not so bad
Yes it is look here she held
the telegram in her hand

    Come right away – mother extremely ill –
Poor dear mother – she said

MM T 2771, fol. 40v

and kissed the sheet of paper

    Would you like to have something to drink
– what is it between you two
– not any courting
she began to laugh uproariously –
We must drink be merry –
Oh I am feeling very strange this evening
– do you not find me repulsive
Brandt  –

    Brandt said nothing

    He had never seen her like this –

    It was cold and
dismal in the large room
– Brandt sat and froze – what
should he do to console

MM T 2771, fol. 41r

    Miss Steineger  had sat down
at the piano – and played
a boisterous waltz

    Then she shot up – rang for
the servant –

    Three – this evening –
I believe you are mad said
Miss Berg  the way you behave –
Miss Steineger began to
laugh

    Poor little mouse – isn’t she
a little baby –
it is hard to believe she
is an adult – she struck her
breast with her hands –

    How nasty you are said
Miss Berg –

    And your lieutenant  then –
have you had a kiss
from him lately –

MM T 2771, fol. 41v

    Do you know what she does
the little one – kisses a
handsome lieutenant  in the portico in
the evening

    Really now Brandt  laughed – do you
really

    She was genuinely pretty that
little Miss Berg  –

    Oh it is not true – how nasty
you are Marie  –

    Oh my poor poor
Mother – she looked at the telegram
turning it over –

    Come right away seriously ill –
Do you think she will be dead by the time
I arrive – And I who
have been so cruel towards her

    No said Brandt – to console

MM T 2771, fol. 42r

You have not – I have taken
notice of how kind you have
been –

    No no I have been terribly
cruel – it is my fault if
she dies –

    She lay back on the sofa

    She was wearing her black velvet
dress – with the fiery red fabric on the breast
– Am I not repulsive Brandt 
tell me – Am I not terrible –

    She powdered herself – on her face
Her hair was in disarray fell
down over her eyes there was a sparkle –
in the black eyes –

    There was something
uncontrollable about her this
evening – There was something new that
came to the fore this evening – something in the laugh
something that frightened that appalled Brandt – It
was as though there came a certainty now

MM T 2771, fol. 42v

a clarity– that
he did not love her –

she could not be
for him –

    How she resembled a
whore as she lay there on the sofa
– yet a beautiful whore – just the same –
Had she actually gone mad the way
she behaved –

    He was not fond of her any longer –
thus it had all been a dream – but
he must not show it this evening

MM T 2771, fol. 45r

    Several years ago I
had taken notice of a young girl –
I ran into her almost every
day out at Grunerløkken – where
she lived – She was uncommonly
pallid – a bluish transparent complexion –
 …  the nose pointed and curved – with
large nervous nostrils –

    she appeared to be suffering from consumption –
I was not quite sure which
class she belonged to – she was always
tastefully attired – always in black –
and often wearing a long black veil –

    She possessed entirely the
intriguing appearance of the heroine of old novels
She could have been the model for a Magdalena
– or a saint

MM T 2771, fol. 45v

    She had to be a lady –
Yet she often gazed at
one gazed provocatively at one – with
her large black eyes – it
caused me to doubt – I
thought therefore I could address
her in the street – if the occasion
arose – I often had the desire to
do so – but found no occasion

    In the meantime I became preoccupied with
another lady – The wheel of life took me
in its great hands – I was discarded once again
like a worn out garment
– I was keen for revenge –

    I met once again the
thin pallid girl with the long
black veil –

MM T 2771, fol. 46r

    I was walking up Grensen 
with Hans  in the street

    He turned his head
toward the opposite side and smiled

    I looked in the same direction –
The pallid girl walking over there with
a girlfriend – This one gazed over at
us with a brazen expression and smiled –

    It was obvious I was free to address
them –

    I nodded to my
comrade – and walked across the street – slipped
in beside them – I noticed how they looked
at one another and smiled –

    I said – good day –

    good day – and with a giggle from the girlfriend –
The pallid one smiled a little as well
May I have your leave to introduce myself –
I am a Painter –

    I have taken the liberty –
I would like to paint You – I see –
– why would you wish to do that – is there anything
– worth painting then –

MM T 2771, fol. 46v

    I procured a half bottle of port wine –
and went down to the Studio – with them

---

    Well said Hans  – smiling
how did it go –

    I shrugged my shoulders –
Rather sweet – But far too bothersome
– talked about love –
Is obviously one of those one should be

MM T 2771, fol. 47r

engaged to – walk in the street with –
– Became insulted when I asked for a kiss –
spoke of treating ladies like that –
– No thank you those pretentious types –

    Since then I have seen her
strolling often with a gentleman –
she must have become engaged –

    She was elegantly attired
but in black – and with a long black veil –
– She acted a little surprised
when I greeted her – Then I
ceased –

    I had returned home
from abroad – I had nearly forgotten her

    I read in Verdens Gang 

    A love scandal

MM T 2771, fol. 49r

    He drifted
up and down the promenade between Magnus
and the Post office – It was in the afternoon –
late fall – it was beginning to get dark –
there were swarms of people –
still refreshed and tan after their summer retreats
and still wearing bright outfits –

    He had gotten over it now
– it was her – he had actually
been a bit unhappy ha ha ha

    In truth one was a rather
interesting fellow – all these liasons
with ladies –

    First Madame Heiberg  – then Miss Dref  –
then Madame Petersen  – not to mention
all the lesser adventures – the one who
accompanied him up to his studio – And all this
in the course of one year – a veritable don Juan

MM T 2771, fol. 49v

    The little affair with Madame
Heiberg  he had of course gotten over – It was
basically he who had become bored with her

    It was rather amusing
nevertheless to exchange a few
words with her – before she departed
– you know rather aloof – inquiringly –
he had after all come out on top
– like this – for instance

    So You are departing – I think
we should have a little
leave taking – be a little friendly –
we have after all known each other quite
well “quite well” one can say that
– if she then says for instance
yes but it is not possible
here – we can rather – meet
out there by Ankertorvet  – This she utters
with that dual
expression in her eyes which he knew
so well – It was rather amusing
that expression

MM T 2771, fol. 50r

    – Then they walk side by side out there
by the wooden fence – she regains that
solemn mournful expression –
And then she tells him that
he is the only one she has loved
– that she has taken up with
the other one only to make him jealous

    But it is too late now she departs
tomorrow – He clenched his teeth – He was near the post office
The clock in the tower of Our Savior’s Church  showed
6 – It was her habit to walk there then –
But she is
presumably busy now before the departure – she
will not show up – It makes no difference what
did he care – Should he
go home – Sit in the corner of the sofa and
stare out into thin air – They ask him why
he looks so ill –He turned

MM T 2771, fol. 50v

and drifted up the street again –

    He had expected her to
send him a note –
so they might have bid
one another farewell – they were
good friends after all – the love
had ebbed – but
she could still have bid
him farewell –
Why had he not thought of arranging
a rendezvous earlier – it would
at least have been amusing to
hear what she would say –

    A lady in black
approached him hurriedly – jostled her way
in between the pedestrians – quickly – quickly
she was abreast of him –
he greeted her – she nodded kindly to him
A shudder passed through him

MM T 2771, fol. 51r

hadn’t he known it – he should have stopped
– but he continued walking – a few strides
then he paused – followed
with his eyes the little dark
figure – that hastened through
the crowd – he gazed after her until
she disappeared into the dark –

    Then he jolted – he
walked quickly up the street after her
– he began to run –
ran and ran like a madman – pushing people aside –
did not greet acquaintances who stood
watching him – baffled –
he peered straight ahead
to see if he could catch
sight of the little figure again –
He stopped at last tired and out of breath up by
the university  – she was not to be
seen – she had most likely turned into
a side street –
Why were they rushing like that
– idiot – it was not in pursuit of her no of course not
– rather for  …  the sake –

MM T 2771, fol. 51v

    I congratulate You Your picture
is brilliant – splendid effect

    It will be Your pictures that will
cause the greatest stir this year

    The mad child –
it seems –

    Yes precisely – lay everything else to waste –
I think it is magnificent –

    Krüger  said good day and
walked on –

    Brandt  went over to
a cluster of youths –
Well what did Krüger say – has your picture
been accepted –

    Yes – Krüger thought it was

MM T 2771, fol. 52r

brilliant –

    I have placed it down in the basement
I think it is rubbish – It
is not the subject –

    What the devil do I care about
subject said Brandt  – What I
have wished to depict – is that which
cannot be measured – I have intended
to depict the fatigued gesture – in the eyelids
– the lips shall appear to whisper –
it shall appear to breathe –
I want life – that which
lives – what the devil do
I care if the chair is done
properly –

    He spoke excitedly – gesticulated
in the air with his reedy fingers –
His voice was hoarse

MM T 2771, fol. 52v

You will go mad if you continue
like this –

    What the devil are all those
lines good for – it looks as though it is
raining – Everyone laughed –

    Now we are on the subject of
Brandt ’s painting again – he
talks incessantly about his paintings –
he does not care about anything else
Go to hell said Brandt –
– He went into the Grand  –
Congratulations – I hear the painting is
supposed to be magnificent – It was Jæger 
– Do you have any of your family
with you at the opening

    No – they did not wish to come – they
are embarrassed – they think the picture
is dreadful – he laughed

MM T 2771, fol. 53r

We’ll go there together – very well
They sat drinking until
12 – then they walked up to
the Sculpture museum –

    He saw the picture hanging by
itself in an excellent spot
– How powerfully the stripes appeared –
he gazed anxiously at the people standing about
– a dense knot stood in front of
the picture – he made his way hastily through
the crowd – Dreadful – he
heard – There was a rushing sound in his ears –

    He looked around for a
familiar face –

    It was the Painter Hansen  –
How do You do How do You do –

    Ha ha ha – Brandt  laughed– I walked
through the knot – Dreadful –

MM T 2771, fol. 53v

digustingly ludicrous – they all said –
Yes they believe you are mad
Brandt  looked at him –
he loathed Hansen  profoundly – but
he must find out his
opinion –

    What do you think – he asked
nervously –

    I think it is poor – I
do not understand it –

    Brandt smiled – I see

    He looked for someone else –
Barrister Meiners  came over to
him – congratulations – I have
heard so much good about the picture
– it is beautiful –

    Brandt shook his hand
in gratitude – Yes isn’t it –

MM T 2771, fol. 54r

The expression in the head is alive –
Yes there is so much grief in the
face –

MM T 2771, fol. 54v

    Brandt  wanted  …  Kristiania  –
he had begun to hang out
with a young poet – they were
together all day long – He was almost
never at home – Only in
the morning at the breakfast table –

    What are you doing out so late
said the doctor one day – gravely –
You are never at home –

    Well this is how you want it
said Brandt curtly – I cannot
speak to any of you about
anything – it immediately turns into a argument –
We do not agree upon anything –

    So it is best that we keep out of
each other’s way as much as possible

MM T 2771, fol. 55r

But you are out so terribly late
Karl  – If your Mother
had known –

    You must be up to no good –