MM T 2893. Sketchbook

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MM T 2893, fol. R

MM T 2893, fol. 2r

    To be
burned

to be examined
after my death by
understanding
broad-minded persons

Edvard Munch
Sept. 1932

MM T 2893, fol. 3r

    I so was so weary but I had
to come here to get the letter

    There you sat staring
at me    Your white teeth shone through
the dark tobacco-filled air

    Why don’t you shave
I am too weary and weak and it is of complete
indifference to me

    You look like an unshaved corpse.
You clearly do not have much time left.

    I looked at myself in the mirror vis-à-vis    Unshaved
corpse    very well

    I attempted to draw my mouth up into a smile
You will not live to see the summer
Oh no – Who knows how near   [is my demise] – I hummed
and left

MM T 2893, fol. 3v

    I rode home – and lay down on the sofa
dead tired    I had never felt so ill and consumed
hopefully in 3 months time it will be warm
and light    I wonder if you can hold out –
I saw in my mind’s eye a midsummer day
    during
the summer around the feast of St. John when it is
light nearly around the clock and the air is clement and
warm.

    And when the sun goes down the light
becomes so inexplicably incandescent   Your eyes stare and
dilate I saw a landscape ahead The fields are an intense light green
gray yellow stretching out. The church above the Lake a luminous white
and then there is the pale moon

    the most lovely  … 
memories are from the childhood years
I remember

    Sunday morning    sitting astride
the fence.
it was so Quiet

    Not a blow of a hammer
Not a sound

    All the houses basked there in the sun
The sun shone down into the courtyard and down
into the little garden glittering on the flowers
with dewdrops from the night

MM T 2893, fol. 4r

    The round flowerbed in the middle and
the half moons on two sides –

    The five redcurrant trees stood beside
the fence one for each of us

    There comes Berta  arm in arm with two girlfriends with a red parasol and
her new dress and shiny patent leather shoes with bows
They walked ceremoniously like ladies twirling
their parasols and snikkering and smoothing out
their stiff white pinafores.
A sparrow dove diagonally down from the rainspout
and

    alighted in the courtyard
Then I peered over into the other courtyard
looking for Petter  if only he would soon be
done and come down –

    Then there was winter. The snow
lay high and wet in the courtyard so that
one had the urge to cut into it
it was pressed up against the fence had accumulated like
white bonnets on the posts and bowed the branches
of the trees.

    over in the Corner lay the Christmas tree

MM T 2893, fol. 4v

slightly discoloured and still with a couple of
stars left over from Christmas Eve.

    The Christmas sheaf on a tall staff

    The sleigh and the green
spade lay half buried in the snow

    We sat in our respective sitting rooms memorising
psalms. On Easter morn sorrow is quelled quelled for all time.

    and He is risen Jesus Christ.
How very solemn and beautiful we thought it
was

    The family devotional lasted quite a long time
To begin with we were tremendously gripped by the story of Christ’s passion

MM T 2893, fol. 5r

but it lasted so long we became hungry
and then we thought about what kind of food we would
be having and then we perked up our ears we could hear Petter  outdoors
and then we wanted it to be over with –

    I looked at father as he sat there with
his shining crown with the separate gray hairs
and his Hands folded over his Knees. Now
he began to pray.     I could not help being a little irritated
over his repeating so many things
and not making it shorter
Then the psalm began and we knew it
would soon be over – we would eat
and then I would go out to join Petter –

    I sang devoutly along then and paid more
attention to the psalm

MM T 2893, fol. 7r

    I sat on the balcony and looked
out over all that blue and basked
in the sun    The warmth was so beneficial to me I
could feel how I soaked up strength
in this lovely air and in these warm
sunrays.  My blood flowed more powerfully in
my veins and my breathing became deeper
lovely lovely – How pleasantly
warm I felt the
warmth flowing through my
sick and weary body. Then a little gust
arrived from the south
how refreshing – it tickled and cooled
me like a cool breath on the cheek and Brow

    I lay back and looked out over the
tranquil blue-striped water    first deep blue beneath
then light blue almost white over by the hills which
lay like a long dark blue stripe, and then there
was the air above with its play between light green and light blue and white

MM T 2893, fol. 8r

Among the dead

    Directly opposite the yellowish Christ figure
with hands outspread in benediction stood the Coffin
A countenance with
chiselled features – gray yellow and with nearly
white hair (–) it lay there musing
and there was an air of gravity and solemnity about this countenance One had
to remove one’s hat and whisper

    The hands lay next to each other flat
on the chest – he died without god

    (the large brow with the gray hair that
was patted down to the side. The tightly closed
eyes the slightly curved nose
the closed mouth that formed a
line –

    The son bent over the dead man and stroked
the grey hair to the side

MM T 2893, fol. 8v

    Up against the wall stood the other coffin.
It was a seventeen-year-old housemaid
who had died of consumption.

    I shuddered at the sight of this young
head that appeared so old furrowed
from suffering – Yet it was
noble this head with Its massive brow
its deeply sunken closed eyes

    The nose had become curved somewhat
downward – It appeared austere and noble
as it lay there in its stiff white shroud.

    A fern leaf had been
wound like a wreath about her head
and ferns were arranged around her small
shrunken form.

    She has surely not been so lovely
since she was carried to the baptismal font.

    Her slender yellow-white hands were folded
she died in god and her

MM T 2893, fol. 9r

last word was Jesus

    Two women dressed in black came
in – They went over to the old man

    One of them bowed over him it
was his wife

    Her visage was dark red from
weeping and her mouth was completely skewed
and distorted in pain

    She bowed over the old man
moaning and sobbing and whispering to him

    Then two men came in
With their coarse hands they pulled
the sheets over the housemaid and fastened
the lid and then they carried her
out into the spring. The light warm spring.

    I was done and went out
Outside there was wonderfully warm
May weather everything sprouting and turning green

MM T 2893, fol. 9v

the grass shot up luxuriantly and green on
the lawns    a young birch stood there
the leaves were somehow sprinkled light green
over it transparently and delicately
and the slender trunk was so white
and fragile.

    I strolled down the gravel-strewn
walk    I drank the wonderful spring air

    Three women came towards me
They were women whose
faces were half consumed, one was missing
her nose the other had half her face devoured

    They walked past the open door to the mortuary
the living cadavers cast a inquisitive glance
in at the dead cadaver and walked on

    I was repulsed

MM T 2893, fol. 10r

    I hastened to make my way
out – I longed for the balcony
out at Nordstrand  and the clean blue
water

    I stood on the balcony it had
become evening. The air pure and a little
cool – The water limpid like a
mirror – The hills violet and in soft lines

    Two fishermen were rowing down there and letting out a seine
The dark little boat with
the two tiny human figures rowed so leisurely
ever so leisurely letting out the seine behind them

    Then the distant notes of an accordion
could be heard which gradually came closer
It was the old well-known melody from When
I lay in the cradle – The music came closer and closer
and occasionally the creaking of oarlocks and the lapping
of the oars in the water could be heard

    I leaned over the railing
I felt disconsolate and  …  in this
great blue-grey expanse that was spread out
before me    There were only two    death and I

MM T 2893, fol. 11r

    When I go out on a light summer evening
and become mild in spirit    When the eyes after
the sun has set dilate in order to perceive
all these gentle golden light colours
When the moon looms large
and spherical with a little golden
halo in the light blue air then
I see you tall blond one
with the enchanting smile and the light-blue
faithful eyes. Then I dream
that I take your hand
and we walk into it
the sultry humid forest
and there are only two there you and I

(After this she comes out onto the balcony)

MM T 2893, fol. 12r

    I can see her   approaching me with
her head bowed – then she
looks up – looks me directly in the eyes a little
shyly and inquisitively.

The village small and wide in the evening sun
delicate soft colours in the landscape
the scent of chokecherry and spruce transports
me into a mesmerising trance

    Gentle ridges – light-green meadows    forests
of spruce and birch rise softly
against the horizon –

    The farms lie crowded together    whitewashed
farmhouses with red outbuildings surrounded
by orchards with fruit trees that
are in full bloom

MM T 2893, fol. 12v

    The stretch of meadows are illuminated in the evening sun
like a soft    multicoloured carpet
Light green bluish-green segments dark green
segments – uncultivated violet meadows and
segments with shades of red and brown   all of it
vibrating in the warm sunlight

    The road coils its way through the landscape
like a blinding yellow-white ribbon and disappears
far in the distance.

    Rail fences have completely collapsed
in certain places and cast long long
shadows across the soft grass

    I lean lazily against the rail fence
in a trance.

MM T 2893, fol. 13r

    I see another woman
in her light blue dress
with her large yellow straw hat with the white
ribbons.
tall and blond and merry

    What a fragrance of spring about her Spring was
in her attire upon her countenance
in her light blue eyes and in her joyful
smile.

I sit outside our house
and then she comes like this
towards me and we go in together and she
brings the spring and light in there as well

    And then I think about why it
was not like this Whether it should not have been like this

    How often on such evenings when I felt
so young and happy and she walked by my side

MM T 2893, fol. 13v

did I feel that we belonged together and  … 

    We both became quiet and I
felt as though only one
little redemptive word was necessary for us to become
two

    How many times like this    But
that word never came what was it
that cast its spell on me

    There was some sort of insurmountable
wall between us

    How much joy we could find together
over a poignant moment as when we
sat there in the gazebo outside the tavern
with a view of the Kristiania Fjord     We
gave the proprietor the impression that we were newlyweds and
adressed each other informally    We kissed
one another with words and when our hands touched
it was an embrace

MM T 2893, fol. 14r

I was awakened by my dream she came toward me
bowed smiling. Then she looks
at me and the smile disappeared.

    Something sad came over her
eyes. those strange dark beautiful eyes

    We walked quietly together – and said
nothing

    She seemed to be awaiting something
We walked into the forest

    I lay my head in her lap

    She ran her fingers through
my hair back and forth back and forth

    I raised myself up halfway and gazed into
her countenance there was a kind of dark
mist over her eyes I felt a sense of
remorse. It was an illusion – it was not love

    Do you not think me repulsive – I do not
understand how you can be fond of me so cold
and repulsive –

    Had you not been as you are perhaps
I would not be so fond of you she said

    I do not think I can care for anyone
I only am capable of caring for myself
She gazed somewhat sadly into space

    Then leave me she said    It seems I am
also boring –

MM T 2893, fol. 14v

    I lay my cheek next to hers
do not be angry with me
her warm body lay
close to mine
I hugged her closely
and caressed her Cheek

    You are enchanting I whispered and warm and soft
She looked at me smiling with a dismal
mist veiling her eyes

    He had finally returned

    the last time we were together – we had not
spoken much together    I had shied away
somewhat and we had not said farewell

    I had since avoided her I
thought it was better that way.

    Then I met them together
inside the Grand . I gave a start but
collected myself and sat down at
their table.

    She looked healthy and suntanned with
her blond wavy hair – she looked
even more delicate and refined
beside him

MM T 2893, fol. 15r

    I felt how the blood left my
Face

    They were drinking wine and invited me to join them.
I made an effort to talk about something inconsequential
but my voice did not hold.

    I thanked her for what we had
had together and wished her good luck.

    I lifted my glass towards hers My
hand shook    spilt a little

    She smiled a little I thought

    Well, I should go I do not want
to intrude on you any longer I
then said

    Oh he said    we will be together
for years day and night so you are welcome
to join us for this short spell.

MM T 2893, fol. 16r

It was at the time she used to
be with him. It was the
worst time for him – He wandered about outdoors
and drifted up and down Karl Johan  in the Winter sun
It was dark and the weather was nasty water dripped
from the rooftops. Occasional gusts of wind beat down Lonely and ill
in body and soul he rambled freezing – In the yellow
Light from the gas lanterns
and from the windows

    The garish yellow faces of the Pedestrians stood out against
the surrounding blue darkness.
Most of them were in a hurry in this
vile weather –

    It was at this time that she came
to him – He remembered how he stood waiting for her
He  …  mistook
all the women for her Finally it was her
She was wearing her long fur-lined coat
and had a black veil covering her head – Then she stopped
by his side and lifted the veil
and looked at him through the darkness Well good evening
[she said] to him with a soft smile And then
they walked quietly together for a spell pressed closely
together

MM T 2893, fol. 16v

He remembered when he had felt sad
and he had rested his head against her breast
it relieved and soothed him and when they had embraced
one another
how she stroked
the hair down on his brow and said
poor dear to him My poor little darling

    On this day she would always
go to the theatre. She was wearing an elegant
black silk dress with a décolleté neckline and
with gossamer sleeves so that one saw
the white skin shine through.
Before she left she would make
her toilet     He had to hold the mirror
before her and she would scold
him    Really, he was awkward. And
did he not have a comb that
was something he should have. She put her
hair up in a knot behind and then she powdered her hair – Now
she was finished. He flung her coat
about her and she drew the white veil down over her eyes
How ravishingly sophisticated and refined and
beautiful she was. He was almost a little
self-conscious because he had actually
kissed her and because she was actually
in love with him – He had to kiss her
one more time on the mouth.

MM T 2893, fol. 17r

It was merely a fleeting touch How lovely you are
he said You must come
to the Concert this evening she implored
Adieu then and she hurried
down the stairs – He stood watching
her until her dark figure disappeared in the darkening
stairway

    Now she was with the other one
of this he was certain
He knew that in a while she
would make herself up in the same way at
his place and then ravishing and lovely she
would walk into the ballroom smiling and
nodding to all of her acquaintances – And then
she would sidle up to him that
other foppish handsome bloke

    – Should he go to the concert – Watch her
sitting there in her low-cut black dress
ravishing and lovely in the dazzling sea of lights

    – Imagine if it was all a misunderstanding after all that it
was him she was in love with and not the other fellow
that after the concert ended she crept
past him and then  …  in the same
way as before smiled at him and whispered
a couple of words and
invited him to meet her and looked at
him so that he immediately understood that
despite everything it was merely an illusion and
that he was the only one.

MM T 2893, fol. 17v

Then he remembered
how unkempt and poorly dressed he
was compared to the elegant
lieutenant   who always wore new clothes
and always followed the fashion – And he
imagined how she
would gaze pityingly at his pallid face … 
– And he thought
of all the pangs [he] would feel every time
her eyes rested on the other fellow    No
better then to keep walking    Yet how utterly weary
he was dead tired and freezing

    The corner windows at the Grand  glowed as
though at a Banquet
hall

    He went in there

    In the sofa Rosenkrantz  and
Hjalmar     He went over to them.

MM T 2893, fol. 18r

    Through the mirror he saw Captain 
His heart pounded    He almost always
ran into Captain lately.
He veritably pursued him.
Did this mean he knew something about him
knew everything perhaps

    He looked at himself in the Mirror    he was
even more pallid than before

    He began to speak enthusiastically with
Rosenkrantz ; Laughed and attempted to be amusing
He began to draw so that no one
would notice how pallid he was

    Captain wished to come over
and join them – Nevertheless it
gave him a start when he came over to them
and sat down beside them.

    Captain greeted him and he returned the greeting
not excessively for he did not wish to appear
too polite –

MM T 2893, fol. 18v

He conversed with Rosenkrantz  –
They spoke a little about Politics – About what Sverdrup 
should do. – He is making believe he doesn’t
know I thought.

Why is he speaking only with
Rosenkrantz – how will he
speak to me.

    I sat with bowed head and continued to draw

    Do you have any Firearms, old
firearms that I can have – Rosenkrantz I
believe you have some such ones – The kind with the long
pointed blades

    I drew frenetically – I became warm
here it comes

    I am one of those sword eaters    he
laughed a dry laughter

    This is very obvious I thought now
he will want to fight.

    Now you must look up. I glared at him
straight in the eyes. I have some firearms
as well I said – the broad and flat
kind – Like these and I began to
draw a picture of the weapon on the table.
Now he will say that we will test
the weapons – I thought but he said nothing

Then he suddenly
said have you
heard it – it
really is too much –
about Madame Thaulow 
and that young Lieutenant 
Such behaviour is really
too much.
I gave a start.

How sharply he
speaks –
He wants to frighten
me now

I felt him turning
to face me

MM T 2893, fol. 19r

    He stood by the window
The fire in the stove was extinguished
And it was dark in the spacious room

    Only the gas lanterns outside cast
a weak pale yellow light in

    There were small puddles left by the rain on
the square out there
almost resembled a lake – Gas flames and
the lit windows along the row of houses directly across
the river on the other side blinking
in the reflecting water.

    He leaned his cheek his warm cheek against the pane
and stared

    Someone Down there scurried along
A lady in a fur coat
quickly quickly across the Square in between
the puddles

    Smaller and smaller she became
Again and again she disappeared then became visible again
in the light of the gas lanterns – gone again

MM T 2893, fol. 19v

a little glimpse then there
was nothing but an impenetrable darkness.

    He walked across the room and he heard the sound of his own footsteps and
sat down on the sofa where they had
embraced one another a few hours
earlier.

    He could think of something
specific    He rested his Head
in his hands and stared
at a few small embers that still
glowed slightly in the ashes –

    A few hairpins lay there how small they
were there was a
handkerchief he looked at her
monogram
Two large Letters her Husband’s
name – It must have been a bridal gift

MM T 2893, fol. 20r

He had not been as fond of
her before as now –

    – And yet –
why had she made herself up now
that she was leaving him –

    And why had she seemed to appear
unyielding in her face – as soon as
she had made herself up and
powdered herself and drawn the veil down over her mouth
– and he had to kiss her
one more time – for his lips
burned – and the blood rushed in his
ears –

    she seemed to be
a stranger then – and so distant from him
as never before

    and he felt she was
afraid he would spoil the make-up with his kiss

MM T 2893, fol. 20v

    You should not be so discouraged – remember
you are young – you have many years yet to live

MM T 2893, fol. 21r

    I no longer have any hope
nothing to look forward to.
Why work – exert oneself
when I shall die one day anyway.

    I looked at my father who sat there
at his escritoire with hunched back
and gray – I marvelled over how zealously
he worked and my aunt
by the window sewing
unceasingly one hand in the air as
she has done for many years.

    And yet they are content with that
in any case compared to me.
And I watched the people outside in
the street – how eager they were –
the corpulent butcher’s wife – red
and glistening she stood there chopping
meat – which she will continue to do
her entire life – merely cut meat.
How repulsive – And yet she was happy

MM T 2893, fol. 21v

    I was going to do something great – become
famous – And therefore I have worked with
my blood – and everything that
one could gain from it

    I imagined myself as a famous
man – I had worked and worked
become more and more famous – yet there
were always others who were greater –
in the end I had become the best –
– grey – overworked
I would reap the rewards.

    The awareness of having actually
accomplished something great would be the reward –
What was the best painting – a terrible
copy, terrible representation of our life –
And the infinite constellations –
which can be infinite – when one
thinks of boundless space.

    No No nothing nothing.

    Why have I not understood sooner –
The others are content they believe they have or
will have their reward after death in Paradise –

    I believed that once myself – Glory –
joy – the light the infinite exaltation – which
existed in Paradise.

MM T 2893, fol. 22r

I sat in the Tivoli Gardens  with Vang  and
some others at a table
overcrowded with bottles and half-full and full
glasses – The table full of cigar stumps and
ashes – and sticky from punch.

    I leaned back in my chair and listened
to the music.

    I fell into a reverie in the blue-grey
haze and tobacco smoke –

    There was an intermission

    There was a plinking of violins
and rapping of the instruments
to remove the moisture.

    It commenced
It gave me a start it was the
Kamilla waltz , her song

    It sounded like a seductive
woman’s voice
– delicate notes – mild and caressing like
when one coddles a child.

    Then tempestuous and threatening –
She titillates with her voice –
now teasing now pleading
and flattering

    And one is ensnared
In the throes of love’s intoxication she smiles and exults – and mocks and torments

MM T 2893, fol. 22v

I saw her as she sang during that
hour at dusk by
the Piano – There were many in the room
but it was me her eyes sought out.

    And when she hummed it close
to my breast and her quivering
lips tickled by naked skin.

    I saw her smiling in that
dense Tobacco haze
slightly crazy and dazed

    And I rejoiced inside it had
not yet been lost – I would
catch her again The next day – I would meet her then
And when it was [over] I applauded more vigorously
than the others – and the conductor
bowed his long torso in
the haze expressing his gratitude.

MM T 2893, fol. 23r

    I felt ill: I lay
on the coverlet and felt dismayed

    The fire refused to ignite
and it was dark and vacant
in the large studio
The easel stood an apparition
against the large window.
Through the window one saw the gas lanterns
blaze amidst all that dark blue and
flicker in the wind

    It was raining in torrents and windy
Now one could hear the wind
cavort in the corridors now a door
banged shut on the third floor
now in the entrance

    I was dejected and weary of
everything. She did not seem
beautiful to me it was not the
beauty that I had dreamed of

MM T 2893, fol. 23v

I thought

    The Gate banged again just now
Downstairs in the courtyard.

    If she did not arrive soon
something must have gone wrong  … 
[what if] her husband got wind of it. He
thought about every thing that might come
of this – imagine if his father
found out about it – his
god-fearing father he would not endure
it and the husband – he would
either kill him or himself
he saw him lying dead with
a hole in his head the ashen head
with the black hair a little bloody
– A carriage drove by
it came to a halt no it drove
by – Imagine if he suddenly
came in had found out
everything – and
his heart pounded violently

    The hour was soon 8 o’clock.

MM T 2893, fol. 24r

    He walked over to the window
and strained to see through
the dark blue.

    A woman came walking    it had
to be her    The coat and gait
were hers – then she came to a
halt a tall man now came
towards her    they walked together
continued on in the rain and wind
– how windy it was, the
the window gave off a cold draft –
he lay down again. –

    He thought about
all the previous lovers she
had had – he heard of
more and more names
Yesterday someone had told
him about the last one – how
it ended with that one
why it ended so
quickly – what if it wasn't over
what if this affair with him
was merely meant to vex the
other

MM T 2893, fol. 24v

    She did not love him after all
and he not her    was this
love – he had not
felt very much in their embraces.

    He was at the door – opened
it – a light was burning down in
the corridor it was Saturday
the washerwoman was scrubbing
the stairs – someone could be heard
walking on the third floor – a draft wafted
up the stairway – He shivered

    I am tired of this
Must tell her

    He lay once again on the coverlet
The fire began to go out
 …  and the room became cold
but he couldn’t be bothered to add
to it – he stared
into the red coals.

    This could not continue
– he neglected his work –
She must not come
to him like this any longer –

    He would tell her today

MM T 2893, fol. 25r

    – She was with him for about 3
hours 2 times a week –
These forced embraces
enfeebled him –
He was disappointed – he didn’t
feel it was what he had
anticipated –

    If only
she would
get a divorce
so that they
could enjoy themselves
undisturbed

    his imagination
was set in motion
so that he was not able – to take pleasure
in their lovemaking
when she was
with him

    His work was neglected – he suffered under
All this unpleasantness – his relationship to
the husband whom he deceived gave him a bad conscience –
The fear that his father would learn of it – the neglect
of his work – that he should be submitted to all this uneasiness in return
for these three hours that he gained no satisfaction from

MM T 2893, fol. 25v

    He opened the door and she slipped in and he felt
the fur of her
coat against his hands –

    a soft cry – Good evening
A cold cheek was laid against
his.

    He placed his hands on her waist
and kissed her as he was
accustomed and helped her remove her coat
And then they sat down side
by side

    You are wearing the red bodice today
as well he said

MM T 2893, fol. 26r

    But you bid me to
she said

    She studied his countenance are you
angry at me for something    something
is wrong    I am good at noticing
such things

    I am not well a headache –

    Are you not well poor darling
she said softly    stroked his
head and drew  …  it
to her

    You are such a fool and so sweet she
said – he was annoyed that
she called him a fool

    Listen he said    you have no idea
how I suffer – there
is the problem with my father – if he –
got wind of it – he would have a stroke

    No one will tell him anything she said
Yes I have aunts who
prattle – I dare not – we must
wait a while before we can meet

    Are you such a coward she said

MM T 2893, fol. 26v

    The fire began to flare
and cast red glares into
the studio with long dark shadows.

    She had sat down
in the middle of the glare
and had loosened her hair so that it
fell down over her shoulders.
Her greenish eyes blazed
She was captivating –
You resemble a fairy queen
he said and leaned into her
throat. She kissed him
on the neck
and squeezed him – so close so close
to her – He nearly
began to reel – he
lay his cheek against her naked
breast and bit her flesh. She
kissed him again and again on the neck
and whispered in his ear.

    And for a second – a short second
he forgot everything.

    He had never before felt her to be
so delightful.

MM T 2893, fol. 27r

    She had sat in the glare from
the fire – She loosened her hair
and let it fall down over
her firm round shoulders
The blazing red chemise had
slid up
her wide chest – which
was the colour of ripe grains
The green eyes sparkled from within
the luscious lids.

    And her mouth was large and passionate.
I looked at her – I became immediately hot   how delightful she was

    Carress me I said I moved closer to her
She drew my head to
her let her hands glide
again and again down over my
hair – and I
felt her burning lips on my neck

    – I felt her burning lips on my neck

    And she lay back and pulled me down
to her

MM T 2893, fol. 27v

    I raised myself halfway up –
and looked at her as she lay there in the
weak reddish light from a single
piece of coal –

    the burning cheeks – eyes that were half
closed and that opened now and then
in an irresistible gaze – and smiled a little
crazed and sensuously – Her hair flowed out over the coverlet
I felt that I had never been
so in love with her as now –
so in love with her in love with her
so inexplicably –

    I held the mirror up for her – Not like that
she said – how clumsy – so

MM T 2893, fol. 28r

    We lay there under the glass lantern
my mouth close to hers and when one of us
uttered something
even a single word was
drowned in kisses.

    Do you love me

    yes –

    very much – terribly –
    –

    No – you must not

    yes

    no

    listen

    And she held him and squeezed
him to her and held his arms

    You are cruel towards me he said
and he kissed her

    Am I cruel

    no – well a bit

    Are you angry with me

    yes – well no

    When will you return – Tomorrow
I cannot but can the day after tomorrow

MM T 2893, fol. 29r

    People appeared out of the dark beyond
the light from the gas lantern – and then they disappeared
again on the other side – with
long black shadows now in front of
now behind them.

    There under the gas lantern they became so
bright and yellow in the face.

    The one who had
stood there for so long – the pale tall slightly
stooped fellow jumped
each time someone appeared in the light
– was it her – no
mistaken again and again but then
the hour was no more
than just 5 – then he walked into
the blue darkness – and gazed at all
of the passers-by in the face.

    Then a beautiful woman in a fur coat
and somewhat shrouded approached –
with her rapid gait she walked straight ahead
was it her – then she walked alongside someone until she
sidled
up to him.    Good evening at last –
Have you been waiting – I am a little late

Then he saw
that it must
be her–
her rapid
gait – But
she is walking
straight ahead – does
not look at him – is
it not her –
Yes there she
suddenly turns
toward him – sidles
up to him
lifts her veil slightly
and whispers softly smiling
good evening

She walked straight ahead
– was it
not her –
had he been mistaken
– then she turned
suddenly toward him
sidles up to
him –

MM T 2893, fol. 29v

Kristian  would not let me go.
I think he is following me – He
looked around – Do not look around – walk
quickly –

    They walked pressed closely together
along a side street up and down a few times.

    It is cold here let us go indoors
The room is warm – and we will
have such a wonderful time – he was
trembling from emotion – do you
not wish to –

    Yes but it is unsafe –
if someone saw us – is there light in the
entranceway.

    Yes unfortunately there is a bazaar – but
people rarely walk there.

    You go to the main road then she said
and I will go the other way.

    How did no you know that there are
two –

    I have visited Wilhelm  there
with Vera . –

    With Vera? oh right
They were divorced.

    If my husband
finds out he will
kill you –

MM T 2893, fol. 30r

He ascended the stairs with pounding
Heart. – his blood
surged in his head.

    He came up to
the corridor on the second floor – it was
completely dark – I wonder if she is
there – she and he alone will enter
the dark warm room –

    He reached the door    he sensed
someone was there – he touched a
hand and some soft fur – a small cry – oh is it you
I thought it was someone else –

    He pressed her tightly to him
– He could not get the door
to open – his hands shook – it took an eternity
an eternity – then at last –
he turned the key in the lock

    They were alone together in the large
naked room – the oven illuminated  …  [the room]
he suddenly became a little self-conscious –
she wandered about and gazed at everything
– looked at the furniture – and the easel – and into
the corners –

    Then he was about to help her with

MM T 2893, fol. 30v

her coat and suddenly she stood there –
with her naked throat
voluptuous – like a Cleopatra

    He owned all this – these lovely
arms – this throat – this breast – and
he pressed it all to him –
clasped it to him
into him – mouth to mouth
– He gazed for a long time into
the large eyes – then
they closed – he felt how
her lips glided apart – a
titillating limpness overcame
his entire body –

    They lay side by side –
on the reindeer skin

    They whispered together and kissed one another
he kissed her on her throat, eyes nose –

    And he wanted to have more of her
No you mustn’t – she held his
arms her head slid to his
chest – he kissed her neck –
Yes – why not do you not love me

    Oh you have no idea how [much]

    – He wanted more more –

    No you mustn’t, you are cruel –
She said this so sadly as though he had hurt her
Then he asked her forgiveness – and he kissed her again and again

it is possible
that she
finds him –
very awkward –
He wanted more
He asked her tenderly
for forgiveness – will you
forgive me will you forgive

MM T 2893, fol. 31r

It was brightly lit – the little salon
the familiar room
We sat around the table.

Jæger  was half reclining in the sofa – and
raised his extremely red countenance
up to Madame Vera  who sat in
an adjacent chair.

    His black eyes sparkled
and one could see all of his pure white
teeth when he laughed –

    She spoke only with him –
leaning over toward him
and laughing warmly and eagerly

    Krohg  sat in a corner in the background
stooped and gloomy – a nervous
twitch animating his
face – when Jæger’s laughter became
especially piercing –

    Wine was poured in glasses
and oranges and chocolates were passed around
People helped themselves to greedy

MM T 2893, fol. 31v

portions and emptied their glasses straightaway

    Nyhus  sat diminutive and plump
conversing with Madame Vullum 
He recounted something particularly poignant
tilted his head and had moist
eyes.

    Hambro  was already drunk – he
sat down on the sofa next
to Jæger  and joined
the conversation with Madame Vera 

    They were both annoyed by him
and wanted to get rid of him –
He continued in his own vein – Madame
– dear madame

Rosenkrantz  who was a target for
the young students – attempted to ingratiate
himself with me in order not to stand alone –
Listen he was a bit drunk and slurred
in his speech –

    He squinted with a dark
commanding general’s gaze over his pince-nez –
and his nose more red and longer than
usual.

    Listen he said – You know I have

MM T 2893, fol. 32r

always stuck with you –
I have always understood what
you are made of – what talent –
the drawing alone the drawing alone –

    Oh yes I said it is going well
Listen he said I really feel
sorry for Krohg  this evening – she
is being nasty towards him.

    Now it would be nice to have
a good cup of coffee really strong
coffee, madame – it was Jæger 
he had finished eating chocolates
Madame Wullum  responded in
her cheery voice that it
was just about ready to boil –

    Krohg had gone into the side room
near the door.

    Every once in a while he stole a look in
at Jæger and Vera 

MM T 2893, fol. 32v

The students had dispersed
themselves around the room –

    You look like Moses
teaching the commandments I said
to banter with him – In response
I received only an impatient
grunt.

    Madame Vullum  entered and commenced speaking
in her cherubic voice    
Now tell me what are you painting these days Krohg  –
Ah said Krohg in a funereal voice as he glanced furtively behind
her into the next room.

    Peals of laughter from Jæger 
more and more piercing
I went back in and sat down next to Nyhus  again
and observed Madame Vera . She looked
lovely there behind the table
with all the
sparkling glasses – and decanters and
the red wine.

    She had loosened her hair –

MM T 2893, fol. 33r

    And she stood up aroused
and with eyes that sparkled –
She was warm – untied a
kerchief she had in front
– so her throat was completely
exposed.

    She stood there like a bacchante
surrounded by
wine and fruit fiery red and yellow-green
apples and matt-green grapes – and
large vases of
crystallised glass which reflected
the light in every direction.

    She felt that she was beautiful
And Jæger ’s laughter rang triumphantly
and sensually –

    Krohg  walked away from the students
in the side room – they wanted
to console him – but embarrassed him instead

MM T 2893, fol. 33v

You are the only friendly soul here
this evening he said to Knudsen  – you say
nothing – go  … 

    He stood there watching Vera 
simply stared and stared – He tried to catch her eye

    To no avail.

    He forced his way up to her – and
sat down next to her she sat
down as well with her back half turned
to him.

    Shall I pour you some wine
– his voice was shaking –
No thank-you – she took up
her conversation with Jæger  again –
Practically shoved Krohg  away.
She had no desire to speak to
Krohg this evening –
Krohg leaned back in
the semi-darkness

    Now it was only Jæger and Vera who conversed
all the rest of us watched her. She is beautiful this evening I whispered
to Nyhus . Nyhus tilted his head and merely said oh do not speak of it

MM T 2893, fol. 34r

Dedichen  stood up and gave
a speech for their Comrade
he was an uncommonly good
fellow and he would be missed
– That was a terrible speech said Jæger 
– Helge  began very
early to express opinions
that were brilliant
Commented Madame Wullum  to Jæger –

    Now and then bursts of laughter could be heard
from the side room. It was the young
bohemians. They were insulted that
Krohg  did not wish to have anything to do
with them – and now they cast themselves
over Rosenkrantz  like blow-flies
over carrion.

    They buzzed about him and jabbed
and poked him –

    A crash could be heard – from
the side room it was Hambro . After
several failed attempts to engage Madame Vera 
in a conversation he had gone into the side room

MM T 2893, fol. 34v

and thrown himself onto a bed –
that could not support his heavy
body and there he lay in the
midst of sheets and pillows and
bedposts.

    This aroused general cheering
and brought the company together.

    Someone now remembered what day it was
young Helge ’s birthday

    His closest comrade
began to give a speech –

    That speech was terrible – it was Jæger  who
interrupted him There is something clammy about
him – something.

    Yes said Madame Wullum  in
her chirpy Danish – Helge
has from his earliest youth
surprised me with his
remarks – (she had misunderstood
Jæger) Yes – but clammy.
So amazingly talented, You see
Yes but – can't you

MM T 2893, fol. 35r

hear that cold – dreadful laughter
of his – he is a cold and clammy
boy – uttered Jæger  with conviction
– he looked her in the
eyes now and chortled –

    In my opinion it is Jæger’s Laughter
that is clammy said Krohg 
in a low husky voice – he
sat slouched in a corner –
Brandt  stood beside him
wishing to console him –

    Madame Wullum  looked at
Jæger with eyes wide open and righteous
– and shook her tresses –

    There is something strangely
odd about that Jæger thought
Brandt – in his desire to
flirt with Madame Oda  in that way

MM T 2893, fol. R

Krohg  who has been like that
towards him –

    Krohg suffered now
– like himself so many [times]
before with Madame Heiberg  –
And he who had always
looked up to that relationship –

    She actually resembled
Madame Heiberg sitting
there leaning over towards Jæger  –

    You never participate –
Brandt  said Dedichen  – do not
drink even – thinking only
of your pictures I suppose –

    It is a good thing they do not think
I am unhappy for Madame Heiberg’s
sake – imagine being an unrequited
lover – how repulsive –
– thought Brandt

MM T 2893, fol. 36r

    Would he never again be able
to participate – have fun like the others –
would he always be so
weary – was he really
unhappy – destroyed for the sake of
that Madame – had he been making a fool
of himself the whole time –

    – He looked at Madame Vera 
how revolting that she tortured
Krohg  in that way –

    Madame Vera had now risen
from her chair – Krohg went
towards her also –

    Will you or will you not
he heard Krohg whisper
shakily – I am leaving –

    What did she wish to do –
Yes – there they both
left – So it ended
well just the same thought Brandt  in relief

MM T 2893, fol. 36v

Now things became
more boisterous – the young
people lurched about
in the midst of tobacco smoke –
Glasses stood half-full
or empty on
the table under the hanging lamp –
A bottle lay on
the floor floating in wine –

    Jæger  lay on the sofa
looking straight ahead
red in the face –
Michelsen  sat leaning over
him pallid and peaked

    What did you say
Everything is lost? –    what
is lost?

MM T 2893, fol. 37r

It is too bad that a man
can come and spoil everything
with one single word –
With one single word
from him it is spoiled –

    What is spoiled? –

    Jæger  looked at Michelsen 
with his black eyes –
Then his gaze seemed to turn inward –

    I had something that I
wanted more than anything in the world –
I had it in the palm of my hands
the greatest fortune that could
be granted me –

    And then with one word –
What did he say
She told me something –
What did she say asked Michelsen
eagerly

    Jæger looked at him and laughed
what the hell – let us drink

MM T 2893, fol. 37v

damn it – what the hell
what the hell –

    Tell me    Tell me – what
did she say –

    Jæger  laughed –

    I had I had
it in the palm of my hands –
and then with one word –

    damn it – He
raised his glass – completely drunk
what the hell what the hell

    A crash could be heard out in the hall
–

MM T 2893, fol. 38v

She was a swan –
She glided along with her long
lovely neck – she was drawn toward
the water – she looked
around with gentle eyes –
peered down into the water which was
light blue with white clouds like
the sky above – like the sky
above was light and smiling
But it was silent
and smiling down there in the depths

    I lived down there
in the depths –

    I poked about down among the vermin
and slime and vile creatures –
I lay flailing in the mire
– pondering over memories from

MM T 2893, fol. 39r

bygone times –
when I had no gravel or mire
in my bronchi –
when I still had my abode
up there on the surface


– I was frightened down in the depths by my
own shadow –

    And I was gripped with fear –
due to the beastly sights – I had to
ascend to the light colours –

    I forced my way up – I
raised my pale head above
the water’s surface – I caught sight of the light blue up there

rejoiced –

then I saw the swan and I
held out my hands –

    You and me I said –

MM T 2893, fol. 41r

    He understood what he would come
to suffer by this – he knew that he
was there, if she was there – nevertheless
– he dashed away.

    Can I have a ticket –

    Here is a ticket if you please –

    There he stood in the middle of the huge
circus – A cold cellar draft – the clammy
odour of fertilizer and gas – and
thousands of heads over there on the
other side – tiny tiny small – row
upon row of illuminated heads – like pinheads
in contrast to those who stood near him by the entrance

    – A horse sped by –
and he caught a glimpse of
a horsewoman dressed in white –
– heard
as though far in the distance – the roar of applause
– he stared directly ahead – there right
opposite – right by the barrier
one – of the three
tiny heads that resembled one another he saw
from here – the woman who leaned forward

MM T 2893, fol. 42r

laughing – laughed uproariously – Ugh how exaggerated –
– it tore at him – that she laughed –
that she was so happy –

    All he could see was the teeny tiny head

    She looks at him –
his eyes penetrating hers –
– she smiles –

    He felt how it warmed him
just as before

    He looked for his rival – was he here?
he quaked with anger, there was a
rushing in his ears – there he was –
a few strides from him – his head turned
toward her – And yet he knew it beforehand

    He even felt that she
had noticed him – that she had
looked at him.

    He began to reel – yet
he stared directly opposite – wanted to force
her to catch his gaze.

    The Lieutenant  had discovered
him – he nodded – smiled at
each other immensely amicably.
Then they both stared ahead

MM T 2893, fol. R

The Lieutenant  moved – went
up into one of the rows of seats.

    Brandt  discovered his cousin –
He was glad to have found someone
to stand together with
Well good evening – good evening –
He made the utmost effort
to be jovial
He stood now in such a way that she
could easily see him, he laughed
uproariously.

    In the meantime he watched out for
her every gaze – now she
is looking over there over there at his rival
sits firm and calm in one place
and smiles – now she bends down
under the red fan – how pale
and lovely is her head there behind the red colour –
and there he stands – and takes in her
gaze, they embrace one another – mentally.
– He is looking
quite well – the lieutenant  he said

MM T 2893, fol. 43r

to his cousin – he has a good
figure –

    The ladies are very fond of him he
responded –

    His face is perhaps a bit flat
– but I can well understand that they
might like such a fellow – for they are
very fond of fine apparel. – said Brandt . – he was white
in the face
He stared at her – he
wished to steal her gaze away from this fellow –
if only to annoy him –

    Now she looks at him – he felt
her gaze on him – then it was gone again.

    The she bent over in peals of laughter
a clown was performing – Then he felt her
gaze on him once again –

    His eyes had become absolutely
stiff in his head –
he struggled – struggled to steal
her gaze away from the other fellow.

    It was over –
The applause, the ruckus caused by the people who stood up and were leaving – sounded like a distant drone
in his ears
Everyone flowed
toward the exits

    He stood watching her as she
approached closer and closer – then he

MM T 2893, fol. 43v

dashed out – he did not want her
to see how white
he was

    Yet she must not [see]
how dreadful he looked –
he staggered out and blended
in with the dark figures

MM T 2893, fol. 44r

Summer

    The draperies are drawn in by
drafts of air – the entire room is filled
with the warm fresh
morning air with the clatter of carriages –
the talk and footsteps on the cobblestones
– the hum of the city.
From the roofs and from the
dusty young birches over there
the sound of birds chirping can be heard –

    It appears that it will be a warm day today

MM T 2893, fol. 44v

MM T 2893, fol. 45r

Paris

    I spent all my afternoons at
the Grand  – fell into a reverie in the smoke

    I sat at the Grand – with Holmsen 
Behind me sat Stang  – for he loved
her too – he remembered well when
there had been talk of it about town – he became
ill when she no longer would have
anything to do with him –

    We remained sitting a bit drowsy after dinner –
stared listlessly into the thick tobacco smoke –
sipping at our Coffee now and then.

    Then she came in with her husband
and Miss Svendsen  –

    Then I was no longer myself
– The entire café was filled
by her.

    She who walked so serenely and dignified
in through that door – a little pale and sad in the black silk dress
she did not lie – did not deceive that face did not
deceive
she was merely a distinguished beautiful woman
– whom I so
loved – that there was nothing else in the world
I could love in this way – never

    There was something mystifying about this

MM T 2893, fol. 45v

I love her I love
her I said to myself. –

    She looked over at him –
he nodded indifferently – but his gaze
clung to her penetrated hers

    They took a seat over in the dark
by the buffet. – He could barely see
the contours of her bowed
neck – and heard her occasional
laugh –

    She was not with him
alas –

    He looked at Stang  he sat
engrossed in a newspaper –
She is lovely – said Holmsen  –
Madame Thaulow ? – Yes. Oh yes she
is extremely lovely I said
I wished he had spoken

MM T 2893, fol. 46r

disparagingly of her.

    Why don’t we have something to drink I said –

    What shall we have – let us have Chartreuse
we always used to drink that together she and I
when the waiter shouts two Chartreuse – she
will think of me – Two Chartreuse I hear
being shouted – by the buffet – Madame H . bows
her head I see her face in my direction
as a dark shadow

    I raised my glass
to Holmsen  – cheers –
I pretended to be in high spirits – and laughed often
so that she should hear it.

    Yes she is lovely Madame Heiberg  I
said

    You have loved one another – there
was a lot of talk about it once – Oh I said –
women have never had any great power over
me – I like her well enough
Terribly beautiful – but love no – that would take a lot

    Then she came forth again from the dark
in her black dress with the single red rose at her breast
As they walked by – I had raised my glass
and made a toast with Holmsen  as I uttered something
amusing and attempted to appear quite

MM T 2893, fol. 46v

merry – I pretended that I had
not seen them – yet I
felt her gaze resting on
me penetratingly and at length – and
he felt a rejoicing
inside of him – she
loves only you –

MM T 2893, fol. 48r

    The room is in cold shade – outside
it glitters in dazzling glaring colours
You open the window wide
and summer slips in – It surges in

    The draperies are drawn slowly inward by the draft
drag along the floor.

    it fills the room
the warm fresh
air saturated with the scent of
flowers – with the chirping of birds with the rustling of treetops

MM T 2893, fol. 48v

the clatter of carriages – talk in
the street and the hum of life in
the city.

    “Oskar  hurry up”
a woman’s voice
shreaks then – you can
hear Oskar who calls to Karl 
“it’s time to go
in and eat” then
“I’m coming” from far off down
the road.
The barking of a dog –

    You sit down in the room
on the sofa – summer
is also there – the street with
its din – the air with its flower scent
fills the entire room –

    Then a little strip of sun
on the window frame closest to the window –
slowly shifts – then a little
patch of light on father’s bald head –

MM T 2893, fol. 50r

    I have not had the strength to work
on anything for a long while – so I will try to
a bit.

    I take out a picture that has been left untouched
for several days – and paint a few strokes.

    But I become faint – I am too
weak – put it back and examine it

    It appeared good as it was – yes
there was life in it – I felt a glow of pleasure in me
– the light brightened – Then it became
so strange and dark again – like a gloomy
cloud – What was it good for all this fuss
to paint some-one who sits in a room – however
good – why struggle all the same
– a good picture
more or less – of the 10 000 pictures
that one has made – Ugh how revolting
– how pictures revolted me – No there
was nothing in the world that I cared about –

MM T 2893, fol. 50v

    How weary I was – how
dark and sinister
in the sitting room – The sun descended
behind the blue-black houses across the way –
sent a yellow glow – into the room
– it glowed on the legs of the table – and
on the wall the window was reflected
golden-red – How lurid and
glaring all the colours were – the
yellow on the wall the blue out there –
how dark and sinister
the figures in the room – My
sister against the window – my aunt
who sat working – and my father
who paced to and fro on the floor –

    I wish that I had never
been born that I had died back then –
that I would die suddenly – without
being aware of it –

    My father walked past me – loomed so large

MM T 2893, fol. 51r

suddenly – How it tormented me –

and when [they] spoke

    I looked from one – to the other
tried to listen to what
they said – it was impossible – I heard
every word – it was as though far away
– and yet so distinct – but I could
not register it – if only they did not speak
The pedestal blazed in blood red
It glistened – in yellow and
blue – so garishly so dismally –
I felt a knot twisting in
my breast – I felt how
my heart at times pounded like the blows of a hammer
and at times stood completely still
– how ill I was – these others who sat
over there were so blind – that they did not see how
hopelessly sad it was to live –
– I felt that I was about to fall
I strived to keep myself upright
then I stood up and went over

MM T 2893, fol. 51v

to the sofa – I staggered – and
it felt as though I had lead in all of my limbs –

    Then I lay there staring out
into the room – It became darker and
darker – The light still shone brightly through the window – The lamp was lit
My father and the others sat around
the table –

    I was so empty-headed could
not hold on to a thought – I stared
and stared at the lamp and at the
light heads around the table – in order
to test my thoughts – but
the heads shrunk
became so far away –
Then I attempted to keep focused on what I
had thought before –

    The world is naught
naught – dismal – I
came no further – I did not think
it was dismal – only sinister
apprehensive – terrible

MM T 2893, fol. 52r

    I wanted desperately to think of something concrete
but could not

    You cannot think
– you are about to become mad – Am – I mad –
I leaned my head against the sofa closed my eyes and stuck my fingers in my ears
Then I looked up again

I could not think one thought
I wanted to return to a
previous thought – that working is
futile because – but I could not
continue I could not remember anything more –

    I lay there rocking my head –
how light it was – how my legs
froze – my hands were like ice
against my brow – was it death?

    Father I said – come here –
My sisters looked up anxiously –
Father came over –
It is so odd – I am so
cold – I cannot think

    He felt my forehead –
Is it death
No he replied it does not come like this
I was thankful just the same that it
was not death

MM T 2893, fol. 52v

    You have a very rapid pulse –
How cold his hands
are said my aunt –
They took off my boots –
Feel his feet they are like ice –
Father sent out for – some drops
and prescribed a heater for his feet –

    My heart quaked inside of me – it
was bursting in my veins –

    You must go to bed    get undressed said
father –

    They helped me up and supported me
under each arm – they got me
into the bedroom

    I got into bed –

    The sweat ran off me a cold
sweat – I trembled over my entire body
and the muscles in my limbs stretched,
strained – I could not breathe
– I swallowed saliva – I writhed in my bed gasping
for air

    Then I calmed down – a pleasant fatigue
a voluptuous drowsy calm – there

MM T 2893, fol. 53r

were beautiful women – I longed
to embrace them – then I slept

MM T 2893, fol. 55r

In Tønsberg 

    The food was on the table –

Madame plump and well-fed sat down
at the end of the table – Palle  at the other end
his fiancé next to him
and next to me Miss Pryds  –
how gay they all were – how
their faces shone –

    Everyone was witty and laughed – Palle laughed uproariously
noisily –

    Then suddenly this strange cloud came over me
so – that they began to aggravate me – the laughter
and the voices
that peculiar apprehensive sensation
returned – a feeling of remoteness

MM T 2893, fol. 55v

that I was far away – I could not
collect my thoughts – could not
follow the conversation – responded mechanically
when someone spoke to me – as
when I was little and I was
afraid of giving the wrong answer – How
afraid I was that they would notice
something – I could see that Miss
Pryds  took notice of me –
looked very worried

    Ach nein du spiser ja nicht [Oh no you are not eating]
said Madame Pryds  thank-you I
responded – I – cannot I
made an effort to smile – How
it tore at my innards Palle ’s
laughter – I couldn’t bear it any longer – I
must excuse myself I am not feeling well
just a little dizzy – I will lie
down out there then it will pass
– I went in through the large
sitting room – into the little cabinet
lay down on the sofa – a

MM T 2893, fol. 56r

glass lantern hanging from the ceiling
gave the room a reddish gloomy
light –

    My heart
beat furiously – it
pounded in the veins in my throat and
in my temple – it positively throbbed
– I began to have strange
notions – about death – about dying
here alone in this cabinet –
for you really wished to die now –
Thought of those at home –

    I thought about what came after
I had no more fear now for the judgement afterwards
The matter about
the Bible was like
a fairy tale I
had once
believed in when I
was little

    I hear the voices from
the dining room –
They were laughing and enjoying themselves – they did not
believe there was something seriously wrong with me –
the glass lantern was about
to go out – the room became so
bleak –

    My heart beat more and more furiously
– Someone opened the door –
It was Madame Pryds  – how beautiful
she was – in this mournful light

MM T 2893, fol. 56v

her hair was let down – the long abundant hair
She had loosened it
for my sake I thought – she
knows I like it –

    I pretended to be asleep – yet
watched her – I did not have the strength
to speak –

    She stood still for a spell

    Studied me
with her dark eyes –
She is so concerned
I thought

    I love her – and she
must also love me.
She had left had closed the door carefully
behind her and I heard only
the pounding in
my heart –

    My legs and my hands
were freezing and the inside of my head
burned –

    Feeble could barely move
my limbs – inside my heart laboured like a large
animal like a separate creature that swelled and became
larger and larger as my body became weaker and weaker
I could hear  …  it pounding against my chest

MM T 2893, fol. 57r

    Someone opened the door it was Palle 
Was it you who shouted he asked – I did not respond

    He came over to me – to look
I lay there without looking up
– I felt the shadow
of his head over mine
– then he shouted something
– and then they were all in there
– they had brought the lamp with them

    I stared straight ahead the whole time
– I felt their faces
surrounding me – their anxious
gazes –

    You must say something – I
thought it is terrible that they
should believe that I am dying –

    Feel my heart here I said
it is beating furiously – Madame
placed her hand on my chest – Ach
du mein gott – dat er forskræklicht [Oh my god – this is terrible]
– and his hands so cold –
he is very ill.

    – Go fetch the doctor geschwindt [at once]

MM T 2893, fol. 57v

No – I said I have experienced this
before – no doctor –
But Palle  was already gone
I did not say more – it was so difficult
to breathe –

    Miss P  was on her knees in front of the sofa
– Her long hair
reached the floor – she put her
hand into mine – I squeezed it –
I looked at her and smiled –

    I was fond of her
– I was – it felt
good to have her near me –

    She seemed to understand what I
was thinking – she squeezed my
hand –

    But I was going to die now –
the Doctor entered –

    He stood at the end of the sofa tall
and good-natured – how nice he looked –

    The last thing I wanted was that he should say that I
was dying – I strove to be as lively as
I could – Good evening Doctor sir – have experienced
this before – just palpitations of the heart –

    He opened my shirt – listened to
my Heart –
the heart is beating extremely fast – how long have 

MM T 2893, fol. 58r

    I feel like a wreck
after a storm

    The Sea has crushed the ship –
broken the mast – It has
gnawed through all the rivets – the Sea has
washed away my art the toil
washed away everything

    Now it is tranquil on the shore –

    Grieving for the deceased – it is
like a rain-filled melancholy
day with dark heavy clouds –

    The sorrow after a forfeited love has
colours as when the sun
goes down on a chilly spring day – it is
a blazing yellow that flashes
in the windows – there is blood on
the rooftops – the horizon is ablaze
in bloody and golden hues –

    Above the air is so mournfully heavy – The blue
and the blue-violet in the shadows
and in her black dress so
hopelessly dark – The little moon

MM T 2893, fol. 58v

over my head there
is reflected
in the puddles along the road –

    It is pale up there
and small – it is like memory

MM T 2893, fol. 59r

Gallows humour or at a Concert in Saint Cloud

    Grand Concert – etc –
Matinée Sunday 2 p.m.

    That must be just the thing for me
in the middle of the day I should be able
to indulge myself in a little amusement – revive
old memories from the tivoli – have a little
dancers – in – tricot – entertainment

    – In the evening I was too exhausted – it
was out of the question – but today
I would treat myself – I thought

    I am outside the pavilion – far
ahead of time – swagger to and fro to
and fro – Let us see if I cannot
have a little amusement – Your
legs are giving way damn it.

    I was inside the round hall with
the appalling stained glass windows – up
in the ceiling – a garish green light
fell in – A raw cellar odour
came straight at me – it smelled of fresh paint

MM T 2893, fol. 59v

It was not overly encouraging –
I took a seat – where was I supposed to pay the entrance fee – I
should like to have done that – in case I should
have a seizure – I summon a
waiter –
Billet, payer – No
tickets he said – apres consomation –

    Yes but I am not drinking – I
say in very poor French – can I please pay –

    He shakes his head “tout suite” and leaves –
What a nuisance – I was freezing – did not feel well
– The music commences – a deafening music
enough, thank-you
– I stood up – went to the back of the room – I thought
it was better to move about a little – A singer of chansonettes
– Blue in the face with a few white stripes – from all
the powder –

    I could not follow the music – I felt as though
I was about to faint – I searched for the exit –
if you leave you will of course have someone at your heels asking
for payment – you must wait and see how it goes.

    Next to me, there was a fellow who apparently was
one of the seniors among the waiters – Monsieur
Il faut assoir – Il faut – translated
that means one must and assoir is to sit – I thought

    froid I said – Now you can slip out
I thought – Je payer – Non he said – ici
chaud – and he led me over to a
corner near the stove – I took a seat – abandoned
to my fate – Now I would take advantage of the situation to pay
– so that I could slip out – Je payerai – Non he said il
faut bois – I tried to explain to him
that I could not drink anything – but wished to pay
Comprenes vous Allemand he said – he summoned
another waiter who began to address me in German
I was very dizzy expecting to collapse any
second –

    I managed nevertheless to pull myself together enough to
start [speaking] German – 

MM T 2893, fol. 60r

 …  [you] lain like this – 2 hours – so it
was a long time –

    There are no signs that there is something wrong with
the heart – He is terribly thin
– it is due to agitation, –
he has consumed too much
of his energy –

    I was given a mustard compress on
the heart and my feet were warmed –

    The doctor sat next to me the entire time
taking my pulse – watching me with
a fixed gaze –

    I lay calmly – only moved
my left hand back and
forth    back and forth –

    It is lasting a long time said the doctor
I was given naphthalene

    Then I began to shudder –
the paralysis continued – the sweat
ran – all of my muscles tightened
I gasped for air

    Then everything became easier –
I saw everything more clearly – I
felt that it had passed –

    The doctor left you must try to

    It is our leading
painter who
lies there said
K  –
You should
see how
he works
–

MM T 2893, fol. 60v

acquire a different view of life
said the doctor – Just think of
your health –

    I could hear them talking about me
out in the corridor –    his heart
could have stopped – had it
gone on like that – I heard the doctor
say – he must be very careful

    I was so pleasantly fatigued now
and a little drowsy –

    Miss Pryds  sat next
to me – I was so
happy – feeling her
gaze upon me –
it was wonderful to be alive after all.

    Then I was carried in to a
bed –

    I was frightfully weary –
The lamp burned
so drowsily over there –
Miss Pryds sat in a gray-green haze
– her face in shadow
against the lamp – the light fell on her
long hair – which flowed down her back
I heard someone whisper – “hush”

    I could see life
ahead of me – in
a rosy hue –
full of love –

MM T 2893, fol. 61r

a few light footsteps

    Then I heard nothing more

MM T 2893, fol. 62r

    The German-speaking waiter spoke then
Man bezahlt nicht hier – es [You do not pay here – it]
ist nach was man [is after you have]
trinkt – [had a drink –]

    Jawohl I said jeg aber wann ich [Very well I said but I am not]
nicht trinke – [drinking]
Ich kann nicht – [I cannot]

    Sie müssen [You must] – This was too much.
I laughed – yes but kann ich nicht bezahlen – [can I pay anyway]
I had forgotten my German
in the confusion –

    Parles vous anglais – said the
French waiter – he did not wait for my
response but shouted to Francois 
– This one began to address me
in English –

    You must drink –
Je – (I said) – ich kann –
I cannot drink – but I will pay
for me – I will pay but not drink

    He carried on with his you are obliged
I had a brainstorm – Well I
said – give me something –

    What –

    Que vous voulles –
I smiled ironically –
My body was shaking from nervousness
and he would come so that I could pay and leave
I thought everyone was looking at me – if I fainted
here – among all these people how unpleasant

MM T 2893, fol. 62v

I could stand it no more – my whole
body trembled and the sweat ran
He is not coming – I must
get out of here – I stand up
stagger – toward the entrance – A man
who looked like he could be the manager
was standing there – I will speak to him
I thought – so that it does not appear as
though I am trying to slip out without
paying –

    I begin with a vigorous, Monsieur –
Billet si’ vous plais –

    He looks at me in surprise
On ne paierai pas ici – C’est apres
consomation –

    Now I was at my wit’s end – I had
a 20 Franc piece – I would have been happy
to fork it over if only I could
leave –

    Mais je ne bois pas –

    I now had the feeling that I was
causing a general stir – I thought of
fleeing –

    Then I saw the English waiter he arrived
with a huge bottle of seltzer water and a glass of juice

    Salvation –
I followed him to a table –

    He sat the beverages
down

    Combien – 1 Franc 50

    Si vous plais – 50 centimes tip
I made a swift exit    bonjour